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Five Star Toilet Rating
by Stephen Philip Druce

The bleach overkill in the pub toilet was comforting. There is nothing more refreshing than the subtle aroma of nuclear bomb blast sodium hypochlorite - a toxic poison chemical that caused me to cough so hard I blew my asshole out - nice touch.

Luckily for me it was karaoke night. Tone deaf novices encouraged to sing songs they don't know the words to - smart idea. Why book a professional singer when you can listen to the vocal prowess of pub locals 'Fat Head Teddy Belly Ass Shithouse' (not a tenor singer, but a fine product of incest), 'Olive Slop Tit Sewerage Scum Splat' (not a soprano singer as yet, but recognised for having a body piercing in the asshole division), 'Billy Splodge Dozy Dick Bollocks' (not quite a baritone singer, but renowned for snorting the obscure class A drug - Mr. Muscle oven cleaning fluid), and 'Gertrude Scabby Ass Dung Heap Swill' (not a contralto singer as such, but noted internationally for molesting cartoons with sardines).

Pop in to 'The Dead Stoat' - you'll have fun. If you don't want to hear the singers you can always stuff your ears with pork scratchings - they won't look out of place there. Some pork scratchings have hairs on them.