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First Love
by Stephen Philip Druce

A bloke I know told me he'd fallen in love with a lady he'd seen standing in a shop window -

"I didn't drool over the obvious body parts that most men do" he said, "I appreciated the more understated aspects of her female form -

She had the horniest pair of ankles I've ever seen - like unclimbed snow mountains they were. Mountains so pure she would never allow an expedition of inexperienced climbers with inadequate climbing equipment to tread all over her tender gristle bone - leaving their camping rubbish all over her legs, disrespecting her newly tanned ankle surface - twenty five sherpas with mucky boots trampling over her delicate coats of smooth golden skin - not this lady.

The sight of her nostrils drove me completely berserk. I ripped my underpants off and started chewing the road until the police arrived. I told the officer I was fine, and that it was the lady's mystical tunnels of snotty nasal hair that had prompted such an uncharacteristic display of unbridled passion.

I fell on my knees and prayed to the lord when I saw the aesthetic wonderment of her fingernails. I cried out - 'thank you lord!, thank you for bestowing upon my aspect - ten bright red painted fingernails without any smudges - Picasso who!'. I walked into the shop to declare my love for her, and realised it was a plastic window dress model".