First Love
by Stephen Philip Druce
A bloke I know
told me he'd fallen in love with a lady he'd seen
standing in a shop window -
"I didn't
drool over the obvious body parts that most men
do" he said, "I appreciated the more
understated aspects of her female form -
She had the
horniest pair of ankles I've ever seen - like
unclimbed snow mountains they were. Mountains so
pure she would never allow an expedition of
inexperienced climbers with inadequate climbing
equipment to tread all over her tender gristle
bone - leaving their camping rubbish all over her
legs, disrespecting her newly tanned ankle
surface - twenty five sherpas with mucky boots
trampling over her delicate coats of smooth
golden skin - not this lady.
The sight of
her nostrils drove me completely berserk. I
ripped my underpants off and started chewing the
road until the police arrived. I told the officer
I was fine, and that it was the lady's mystical
tunnels of snotty nasal hair that had prompted
such an uncharacteristic display of unbridled
passion.
I fell on my
knees and prayed to the lord when I saw the
aesthetic wonderment of her fingernails. I cried
out - 'thank you lord!, thank you for bestowing
upon my aspect - ten bright red painted
fingernails without any smudges - Picasso who!'.
I walked into the shop to declare my love for her,
and realised it was a plastic window dress model".
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