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Erect Tent
by Stephen Philip Druce

Realising I'd run out of condoms my girlfriend suggested I use the camping tent for protection instead - "campulate me" she said, "it's a combination of copulating and camping".

I took the tent from out of the garage and placed it over her as she lay naked on the bed. Then in a graceful motion I lowered myself to the area where she was horizontally positioned, and I prompted a spiritually physical encounter involving a glorious union of fleshy bouncing -

"Shove your salami up my drain!" she cried passionately.

Then from a raised aspect I descended into a rhythmical action and engaged in a fusion of bodily expression - a grinding melting pot of writhing entwined magical oneness -

"stick your baton up my corridor!" she cried passionately.

Then I tenderly enforced an unfettered, endearing inseperability of burgeoning chemistry -

"ram your hot dog up my pipe!" she cried passionately.

Then I assertively stimulated an embracing attachment - stylistically administering a smooth intermittent thrusting in a titanic blaze of love fervour -

"stuff your rod into my bucket!" she cried passionately.

I stopped after five minutes as she became enraged with jealousy - "you love that tent more than you love me" she said.

"No I don't" I said, "it's about even".

She told me if I felt that way I should marry the tent instead of her.

"Well now you're just being bloody ridiculous" I said.


"I Stephen, take you - camping tent, to be my lawful wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in picnic blanket, until death do us tent peg, according to God's holy tent peg extractor, and there to I give you my groundsheet.

With this ring I thee wed, with my sleeping bag I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy tent peg - amen".