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Dear Jennifer
by Keith Gillison

Dear Jennifer

Last night was the most wonderful evening of my life. As I gazed into your eyes across the dining table, I found myself hypnotised by your beauty. Words cannot describe my pride at having you as my date, the envious eyes of every male in the restaurant wishing me ill because I, and not they, were dining with the most beautiful creature ever created. The music, the ambience, the food and of course the company made it a special evening that I will never forget.

It was such a shame you had to leave before the starters arrived. I do of course fully understand the urgent nature of your departure. Promising to care for your sister-in-law’s ailing pet is a terribly important responsibility. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, I understand, a serious medical condition for a tortoise. With your attentive care I have no doubt that Brian will be on the road to recovery in next to no time. Perhaps in the quiet moments you had alone with Brian, you were able to contemplate more fully my proposal of marriage. You might think it rather sudden given that it was the first time we had actually met. On reflection, I realise it could have been too soon and my hiring of a string quartet to play ‘here comes the bride’ may have appeared slightly presumptuous. I also now realise that your scream may not have been the entirely positive reaction of acceptance that I first thought it was. Please do take all the time you need.

Once again, I feel I must apologise for the unfortunate misunderstanding that occurred. As God is my witness, I swear I was not trying to grope your chest, but merely attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre after you accidentally swallowed the engagement ring. Placing the ring in your champagne flute was a foolish romantic notion of mine. They say the course of true love never did run smooth and if that’s the case, then we should be encouraged by the odd mishap at the beginning of our long journey together.

My love for you is profound and deep Jennifer and I will prove this to you on our second date. I’m free Friday evening if that suits you? Wednesday and Thursday are also good for me and I’m not currently busy Monday or Tuesday either. I could make tonight as well. Could you please let the agency know which night is best for you as for some reason they won’t give me your contact details. They also seem to have removed you from their website, but I assume that is because you are now officially ‘spoken for’. I can’t wait to see you again my darling and am counting the seconds until I can again bathe in your beauty.

Forever yours


PS Could you let me know when you’ve been able to successfully pass the ring please, it’s been in my family since the reign of King George the third.