Confessions of a
Squash Club Manager
Taking a Dump
by Dean Brown
the Corleone Squash Centre today, I was full of
enthusiasm and evil thoughts about the torture I
would inflict on my old squash mate on the court
However my enthusiastic feeling was about to be
shattered....pardon the pun, it will become
I notice a car
pull into the car park and two new faces get out
and head towards the door. "Hi guys what can
I do for you?" I asked them in my most
professional voice, must impress the newbies.
"Just a court for half an hour thanks Gov."
Said a rather fat pasty faced English man in a
very broad Geordie accent.
"No worries guy's, Fourteen dollars and she's
all yours," I said, adding, "Please be
aware that the lights will go off automatically
when your time is up." Acknowledging this
they hand over the fourteen dollars and I send
them around to court 4 and turn the lights on.
into their game the fat Englishman walks past me
and goes into the toilet. It was a full fifteen
minutes later when he floats past heading back to
the court to finish his game, looking much
lighter after what must have been a massive dump.
Ten minutes later their time was up so I turned
their lights off.
Both of them came racing around to the counter,
"What the fucks going on," They both
yelled in unison at me." Why have the lights
have gone off ?"
"Sorry guy's, times up," I said. "Thanks
to my generous nature I even game you an extra
five minutes." I said, trying to sound
"We only played for ten minutes" said
the non shitter, glaring across at his playing
"Listen mate don't blame me if your buddy
uses half your playing time up having a shit. I'm
just like a lawyer, time is money as I explained
when you paid for your half hour, and
unfortunately your time is up." I said,
bracing myself for the expected outburst.
However non was forthcoming, they obviously
realized the situation was hopeless and
instead headed for the door, the non shitter
looking extremely annoyed.
As they came in the same car it could make for an
interesting drive home.
Two more happy