The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Breast Is Best
by Stephen Philip Druce

I was sitting in a cafe recently and I noticed a baby crying in the arms of its mother.

"Ah poor thing - it must be hungry" I said.

"Yes he is - I forgot to bring his bottle" said the mother.

"Well madam, you must emancipate the bosom and bestow upon your offspring the mothers milk he requires. Disembark the melon and despatch the act of nature that God intended" I said.

"What do you mean?" she said.

"well why don't you lob the winging brat on to one of your flesh balloons and tell him to suck? - there's plenty of supplies there by the looks of it - a large tank" I said.

"Don't be so vulgar" she said.

"No madam, there's nothing distasteful about breast feeding in public these days. Attitudes have changed - its perfectly natural. Unleash the grapefruit without hesitation and hook his snapper on to one of your light switches" I said.

"Don't be so disgusting" she said.

"Madam I'm merely pointing out that a hungry infant should not be deprieved of the nutrition it needs based on society's taboos. Demonstrably satisfy the recipient, unshackle the coconut and jam his chopper on to one of your fleshy coat hangers. Pump the stuff out like it's a dairy farm. Don't worry about me - I'm a modern man, besides we live in a different generation now. Stand up for womanhood, rebel against the cafe protocol. Ask yourself - what is more important? - providing a snack for your kid, or the prevention of sixteen customers who would vomit their meals all over the ceiling at the sight of it?. If I had things my way, every cafe in the world would abolish its policy on breast feeding: six babies on each nipple would make slurping sounds so loud you'd have to bring a megaphone to order your food. Rivers of unrestrained milk would flood the streets - canoeists yelling "avoid the semi skimmed rapids!".

"Ok you vile man - have it your way" she said - undoing her blouse.

"Hold on, can't you wait until i finish my lasagne?" I said.