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Blown Out Of Proportion
by Stephen Philip Druce

My wife and I attended a sermon at our local church.

As we sat down we noticed the vicar was abscent and a blow up doll was propped up in his place.

My wife stared at it for a while and said - "That's nice isn't it?".

I replied - "no I don't think it's nice. I don't think it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice in the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not at all, no, not nice at all, not nice".

I said - "not that i have any experience with dolls of this nature you understand, but for a blow up doll to represent the church appropriately - to capture the congregation here and to not depricate the quality of the service, it must have make-up on, stockings and suspenders, bracelets, three gaping unused holes and a sickly smiley face. Wet wipes should be provided, along with a puncture repair kit, an air pump, a lingerie set, lube - a choice of flavours, and an additional wig. It should also be waterproof, and an instructional manual pamphlet should be provided inside the box with a three year guarantee. Not that I have any experience with dolls of this nature you understand, but a figurehead of the church should have a certain allure - charisma, an aesthetic appeal. That is possibly the cheapest, tackiest blow up doll I've ever seen. It's made of rubber substitute and it only has one hole - the ear. The user would have to stuff his throbbing member into the ear drum and through to the brain - causing it to go completely mad. Consequently it would hump the congregation and give them several sexual diseases - infestations of pubic lice armies would vandalise the church and eat all the bible pages, sing football songs and vomit in the baptism bowl - then where could we go on a Sunday to listen to ancient fairy tales?. To answer your question - no I don't think it's nice. I don't think it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice in the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not at all, no, not nice at all, not nice".

My wife turned to me and said - "I was being sarcastic".