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Bitcoin and Dragons Should Replace Local Libraries to Save Taxpayers Money
(inspired by the infamous and widely shat-upon Forbes piece "Amazon Should Replace Local Libraries to Save Taxpayers Money)
by Joseph S. Pete

Bitcoin is a sound, rational investment that totally makes sense to me, and dragons are really cool, as evidenced by Game of Thrones, but taxes are less cool and I have recently discovered that libraries cost tax money despite the fact that I am old and don’t like paying taxes. Therefore, bitcoin and dragons should replace libraries for the sake of taxpayers who have to pay pennies a day in exchange for unlimited access to books, audiobooks, graphic novels, movies, music and culture; public spaces for community meet-ups, job searches, film series, travel lectures, tutoring and research; climate-controlled and accepting refuge for the for homeless, lonely seniors and troubled youth; internet access for the struggling, marginalized and underemployed; and access to newspapers, magazines, reference materials, and copy machines for resumes, lost dogs, lawn mowing services and zines filled with wry observations about tolerated but unremarked-upon behavior at local coffee shops and music festivals.

I haven’t been to a library in more than 50 years, which is why I exclusively write monosyllabically in simple declarative sentences without the slightest soupcon of research and why I have a writing gig for Forbes, an alleged magazine.

Had a been to a library while I was teaching Econ 101 at the Long Island Land Grant Community College of Learnin’ and Shit, I would have discovered that libraries are a community benefit, a public good, and an amenity for the masses that can achieve its yearly return on investment in a single visit. Andrew Carnegie built thousands of libraries as beacons of light to lift others up, but I make Scrooge look like Mother Teresa, which is how I landed this sweet, sweet Forbes gig, where I pathetically debase myself and my entire lineage by scrounging for hate clicks with the most ridiculous hot takes imaginable.

I have to pay literally tens of dollars a year for the good of society and people less privileged than myself, when that money could instead go to HBO and its shareholders so I could watch more dragons burn people alive.

Also, bitcoin is better than libraries because I have invested my entire life savings in it, which will surely pay off any day now. I while away my time investing in bitcoin and watching HBO Go, so why should I have to pay a tiny pittance for libraries I am not interested in? Why should my tax dollars go to schools when I have never procreated or to roads when I travel exclusively by pogo stick? I should be able to watch “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” on HBO at 3:30 a.m. in peace, without having my bank account molested by poors who want to read.

In conclusion, we should destroy all libraries, burn them to the ground, and pettily stomp on any cinders because people know how to spend their money more wisely than bureaucrats and so I can spend more money on chili-cheese hot dogs and on shiatsu massage chairs. In summary, bleach! Senility! Laser Tag!