Bitcoin and
Dragons Should Replace Local Libraries to Save
Taxpayers Money
(inspired by the
infamous and widely shat-upon Forbes piece "Amazon
Should Replace Local Libraries to Save Taxpayers
Money)
by Joseph S.
Pete
Bitcoin
is a sound, rational investment that totally
makes sense to me, and dragons are really cool,
as evidenced by Game of Thrones, but
taxes are less cool and I have recently
discovered that libraries cost tax money despite
the fact that I am old and don’t like paying
taxes. Therefore, bitcoin and dragons should
replace libraries for the sake of taxpayers who
have to pay pennies a day in exchange for
unlimited access to books, audiobooks, graphic
novels, movies, music and culture; public spaces
for community meet-ups, job searches, film series,
travel lectures, tutoring and research; climate-controlled
and accepting refuge for the for homeless, lonely
seniors and troubled youth; internet access for
the struggling, marginalized and underemployed;
and access to newspapers, magazines, reference
materials, and copy machines for resumes, lost
dogs, lawn mowing services and zines filled with
wry observations about tolerated but unremarked-upon
behavior at local coffee shops and music
festivals.
I
haven’t been to a library in more than 50
years, which is why I exclusively write
monosyllabically in simple declarative sentences
without the slightest soupcon of research and why
I have a writing gig for Forbes, an alleged
magazine.
Had
a been to a library while I was teaching Econ 101
at the Long Island Land Grant Community College
of Learnin’ and Shit, I would have
discovered that libraries are a community benefit,
a public good, and an amenity for the masses that
can achieve its yearly return on investment in a
single visit. Andrew Carnegie built thousands of
libraries as beacons of light to lift others up,
but I make Scrooge look like Mother Teresa, which
is how I landed this sweet, sweet Forbes gig,
where I pathetically debase myself and my entire
lineage by scrounging for hate clicks with the
most ridiculous hot takes imaginable.
I
have to pay literally tens of dollars a year for
the good of society and people less privileged
than myself, when that money could instead go to
HBO and its shareholders so I could watch more
dragons burn people alive.
Also,
bitcoin is better than libraries because I have
invested my entire life savings in it, which will
surely pay off any day now. I while away my time
investing in bitcoin and watching HBO Go, so why
should I have to pay a tiny pittance for
libraries I am not interested in? Why should my
tax dollars go to schools when I have never
procreated or to roads when I travel exclusively
by pogo stick? I should be able to watch “Charlie’s
Angels: Full Throttle” on HBO at 3:30 a.m.
in peace, without having my bank account molested
by poors who want to read.
In
conclusion, we should destroy all libraries, burn
them to the ground, and pettily stomp on any
cinders because people know how to spend their
money more wisely than bureaucrats and so I can
spend more money on chili-cheese hot dogs and on
shiatsu massage chairs. In summary, bleach!
Senility! Laser Tag!
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