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Big Splash
by Stephen Philip Druce

I went swimming and forgot my swimming costume. Thankfully the pool attendant lent me a pair -

"Who else has worn these?" i asked him.

"Everybody" he replied.

"Everybody?" I said concerned. He said -

"Yes, every scummy warts-infected, sloppy breasted, sperm-sloshed, scabby unwashed, crusty musty tramp with fleas and residue herpes, every hairy assed and pubic lice-ridden, flaky skinned and gonorrhoea-hidden, sweaty balled, syphillis and piss installed, filthy toe rag and fornicating sordid man slag on the face of God's earth".

"I can't wear those" I said, "why not?" he replied.

"because there's a picture of Des O'connor on the front of them" I said.