Bad Trip
by Stephen Philip Druce
I went food
shopping. I parked outside the supermarket and a
woman pointed at me and yelled - "children!".
I realised she'd
spotted me parking in the children's parking area
without any children.
"That's
right madam, I have no children with me" I
said, "I never had any. I've always
practiced safe sex. I've always worn condoms
flavoured with vanilla - double thickness and
puncture proof, so I could thrust away like a
road digger, to deter the risk of procreation in
a world of overpopulation, to minimise the
chances of producing any rug rats, or an
uncontrollable tribe of noisy brats. You may
think I'm barmy, but why should I have to park my
car further away than you just because I kept the
condom wrapper on my salami?".
"No you
idiot!" yelled the woman, "I wasn't
talking to you, I was calling out to my children
who were standing behind your car!".
As my goods
went through the checkout, the checkout girl said
- "Do you want a bag for those?". I
said - "no thanks, I'll just balance these
twelve items on my nose like a seal".
Then she
bombarded me with checkout nonsense - "do
you want a normal bag or a bag for life?"
she said.
"I've
already got a bag for life - I'm married" I
said.
Then she
rambled on - "do you have a club card?, a
nectar card?, a schools voucher card?, a loyalty
card?, an orange card?, a two for one special
offer card?".
I answered
"no" to all of her questions, even
though I didn't know what the hell she was
talking about.
I said -
"what about you? - do you have a gorilla
card?, or a coleslaw trampoline card?, or a Robin
Hood, lampshade, amusement arcade, garden gnome,
traffic cone, fingernail, British Rail,
artificial grass, shove it up your ass, fortune
teller, Cinderella, pardon slap cigar, dustbin
rock star, umbrella kung fu, trouser beef stew,
difficult lard, bingo bollocks suitcase card?".
She said -
"no I don't, but I do have a - sod off and
don't come back card".
So I said -
"yes please I'll have one of those".
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