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Bad Trip
by Stephen Philip Druce

I went food shopping. I parked outside the supermarket and a woman pointed at me and yelled - "children!".

I realised she'd spotted me parking in the children's parking area without any children.

"That's right madam, I have no children with me" I said, "I never had any. I've always practiced safe sex. I've always worn condoms flavoured with vanilla - double thickness and puncture proof, so I could thrust away like a road digger, to deter the risk of procreation in a world of overpopulation, to minimise the chances of producing any rug rats, or an uncontrollable tribe of noisy brats. You may think I'm barmy, but why should I have to park my car further away than you just because I kept the condom wrapper on my salami?".

"No you idiot!" yelled the woman, "I wasn't talking to you, I was calling out to my children who were standing behind your car!".

As my goods went through the checkout, the checkout girl said - "Do you want a bag for those?". I said - "no thanks, I'll just balance these twelve items on my nose like a seal".

Then she bombarded me with checkout nonsense - "do you want a normal bag or a bag for life?" she said.

"I've already got a bag for life - I'm married" I said.

Then she rambled on - "do you have a club card?, a nectar card?, a schools voucher card?, a loyalty card?, an orange card?, a two for one special offer card?".

I answered "no" to all of her questions, even though I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.

I said - "what about you? - do you have a gorilla card?, or a coleslaw trampoline card?, or a Robin Hood, lampshade, amusement arcade, garden gnome, traffic cone, fingernail, British Rail, artificial grass, shove it up your ass, fortune teller, Cinderella, pardon slap cigar, dustbin rock star, umbrella kung fu, trouser beef stew, difficult lard, bingo bollocks suitcase card?".

She said - "no I don't, but I do have a - sod off and don't come back card".

So I said - "yes please I'll have one of those".