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Advice for Men Over 60...
by Tom Schmidt

Yeah, getting old sucks.  I get it.  I am facing it myself.  But you know what's worse that just getting old?  It's getting old and looking like an out of touch jerk.  That really sucks.

So here are 8 tips on things men should avoid when they are over 60 years of age...

1)  Don't dye your hair

Yes, women do it all the time at your age.  But society has a double standard.  Men over 60 are supposed to look gray, women aren't.

Recently, I told my wife and daughter that I "wanted to change my look".  I mentioned that I was thinking of shaving my mustache (which I have had since I was 24) and dying my hair blonde.  Their reaction?  My wife immediately asked me "what is wrong with your life?" while my daughter complained that I "would not be daddy any longer".  Really?  Just trust me on this one, no one will accept the change in appearance.

2)  Don't try to use popular slang

The slang you know comes from the 60s and 70s.  Use it and you look old.  Try to use current slang and you look foolish.  

Don't try to tell young people that they look "fleek" and for heaven's sake, just avoid all text abbreviations.  Many have multiple meanings.  I thought that LMAO simply meant "laughing my ass off".  But no, it apparently can also mean "Let's meet at the office" and for realtors, it can mean "Let's make an offer".   It can even mean "Leave me alone, okay?".   Maybe that is why I simply can't follow many texts that use these acronyms.

3)  Don't wear speedos

This one should be obvious.  You are most likely not the trim young man that you were at 24.  So don't try to pass off as one. 
So who should wear speedos?  Probably just boys age 9 and younger....

4)  Don't use emoticons in emails

Just like Item #2 above, most emoticons can have double meanings.  And trying to explain their use by saying "geez, I just like fruits and vegetables" will make you look dumb.  

And while we are at it, avoid all hand gestures.  Trust me, at some point in time the gesture you thought was innocent will be interpreted as being potentially vulgar.  Especially by people living in another country.

5)  Avoid wearing leather pants

One of my favorite rock groups of all time is the Canadian band "Loverboy".  The band popularize leather pants back in the 1980s.  But the lead singer still tries to wear that type of pants in concerts today and he looks ridiculous.  

Santa doesn't wear leather pants.  Follow Santa's lead on this one.

6)  Keep your hair short

The ponytail you sported back in the day no longer looks cool.  Even aging rock stars realize this and cut their hair shorter.  So unless you happen to be Jason Momoa or maybe Willie Nelson, just cut your hair.

7)  Don't brag about meeting famous people

All the famous people you have met back in the day are really old now.  No young people will be impressed that you have Shaun Cassidy's autograph from a concert back in 1978.  Shaun who???

8)  Avoid all "X-Sports"

Yes, they are cool.  But you are well passed the age for participating in BASE jumping, cave diving or motocross.  Plus, you will look really silly doing skydiving with a young professional strapped to you so that he can make sure you pull the rip core for the parachute.  

The above simple advice should be easy to follow.  So excuse me now while I book my next Extreme Bingo Cruise.  Hopefully, they will also have a jello shot, karaoke night with a performance by K.C. and the Sunshine Band !!  'Cause I am gonna "Shake, shake, shake.  Shake, shake, shake.  Shake my booty....."