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99 Percent Of Hospital Patients Are Highly Inflammable Claims Shock Report
by Danny Soz

There were grave concerns being expressed by the British public last night after a survey conducted by a hospital patient's support group revealed that 99 percent of the patients in Britain's hospitals are highly inflammable and would be a major fire risk in the event of a blaze in the buildings where they are being treated.

A spokesperson for the Patient Care Trust told us: "Following extensive trials, we can reveal that 99 percent of the patients we tested were made of highly combustible materials that could cause a fire to spread from bed to bed in an emergency.

"During our research, we set fire to a number of elderly patients who burned to a crisp within half an hour, so I dread to think how quickly some of the younger ones would go up.

"In our view, every hospital in this country is an accident waiting to happen. 

"We have sent our findings and recommendations to the government in the hope that the appropriate measures will now be put into place."

A Home Office spokesman told us last night: "In view of this recent report, we have decided to install asbestos partitions between each bed and to have a bucket of water at every bedside so that nurses can throw the contents over anyone who appears to be ablaze at any given time."