99 Percent Of
Hospital Patients Are Highly Inflammable Claims
by Danny Soz
grave concerns being expressed by the British
public last night after a survey conducted by a
hospital patient's support group revealed that 99
percent of the patients in Britain's hospitals
are highly inflammable and would be a major fire
risk in the event of a blaze in the buildings
where they are being treated.
for the Patient Care Trust told us: "Following
extensive trials, we can reveal that 99 percent
of the patients we tested were made of highly
combustible materials that could cause a fire to
spread from bed to bed in an emergency.
our research, we set fire to a number of elderly
patients who burned to a crisp within half an
hour, so I dread to think how quickly some of the
younger ones would go up.
view, every hospital in this country is an
accident waiting to happen.
sent our findings and recommendations to the
government in the hope that the appropriate
measures will now be put into place."
A Home Office
spokesman told us last night: "In view of
this recent report, we have decided to install
asbestos partitions between each bed and to have
a bucket of water at every bedside so that nurses
can throw the contents over anyone who appears to
be ablaze at any given time."