We Quit
by Doug Hawley
Generic
Network Announcer: Instead of the
announced presidential debate tonight, the
candidates have a surprise announcement.
Old paleface male 1: I’m
dropping out of the race. I’ve got
better things to do, and I’ve got an
attractive offer to backup Putin in Russia.
Old paleface male 2: While
I’m glad that the USA won’t have to put
up with that hack again, I’ve got a lot of
books to read and politics interferes with my nap
time.
Announcer: Just as well,
politicians’ answers are either bull or
fantasies. I’ll cut taxes and double
your social security. Do either of you want
to endorse someone else?
Opfm1: No one could be
anywhere near as good as me, so no.
Opfm2: I’ll let my
party decide. I never thought of any original
ideas anyway. Everything came from my staff.
Announcer: That’s it,
I’m out too. We’ve got a lot of
time to kill, so why don’t you two elderly
gentlemen talk about whatever you want.
Opfm1: My wife is from
Eastern Europe, so I’m sure she will be
happy to move out of this crappy place.
Opfm2: My teleprompter
says I was great on the economy, but fortunately
nothing about inflation or how close I got us to
an apocalyptic war.
Opfm1: I don’t need a
teleprompter to know I’m great with the
women. No more unhealthy abortions.
No one needs to mention my rape convictions or
locker talk if I don’t run.
Opfm2: Since I’m not
running again people will forget about my
daughter’s diary. Another good reason
to dropout.
Opfm1: I’ll give you
some credit mumbles. I bought votes from
real billionaires by cutting their taxes.
You targeted college grads by paying off their
loans. Lots more college grads with loans
than billionaires. We were both smart to
run the government on credit card, buying voters
with no way to pay for it and shifting the burden
to future generations.
Opfm2: Getting white
people to buy the great replacement theory and
playing on their prejudices was despicable, but
successful.
Opfm1: We are both smart
to get out, while the getting is good.
Pensions, secret service protection, no more
pretending to like people.
Opfm2: Yeah, and
politicians are the worst. Except for us of
course.
Opfm1: I don’t know
about the ex-president’s club. Clinton’s
probably OK, but despite his reputation, I’m
better with women. I’ll bet he’s
got some great stories. What’s his
name before me could be a problem after all those
lies I told about him.
Opfm2: Don’t worry
about Obama. He’ll insult you a lot,
but you deserve it, and ex-presidents are an
exclusive group. None of us hassled Bush
about destroying a whole region and getting
thousands killed. Better yet, the keggers
with exotic dancers can’t be beat.
Opfm1: I’m so happy
to get out of politics. I was a loved
eccentric billionaire, boffing babes all over the
place, but now I’m the most hated man in
America.
Opfm2: I hear you.
Let me tell you about my big mistake.
Married a woman doctor to take care of me in old
age, then I find out she’s doctor of
education. What the hell, does she fix sick
schools?
Opfm1: I’m getting
tired and I’ve got a hot date tonight. Could
you front me some carfare?
Opfm2: Sorry I left my
wallet at home.
Appears
in “The Haven”
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