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Wayne Scheer and Albert Einstein Shoot the Breeze
by Wayne Scheer

So Vayne, you vake me from sleep,
vhat can I do you?

Wow. Now that you're here,
I don't know what to ask.

Maybe you vant I should talk about my teeries,
time-space, relativity. Gravitation, das is a big vun now.

Nah, I probably wouldn't understand them anyway.
Maybe we can just hang out and shoot the breeze?

Vat's hanging out? I should check my zipper, maybe?
Shooting da breeze, Now dat sounds interhesting.

No, I mean what do you want to talk about?
Physics and mathematics aren't my things.

Not your tings? Everyting is physics and math.
But enough about dat. Spring training, it's starting soon.

You know about baseball?
I would never have guessed it.

Vhy not? Baseball, it's just physics in motion.
Beautiful. Not like that football. Icchhh! Talk about super colliders.

So do you have a favorite team?
Do you and your physicist buddies ever make a friendly wager?

Acchh! Even an Einstein can't predict baseball. Too many variables.
Of course, I know already how dis season plays out.

You know? How do you know?
Have you seen the future?

Future. Past. Same ting. It's all relatives.
Ha! Dat's a joke I make mit my physics brudders.

Very funny. Stephen Hawking makes bad puns about black holes.
You know Stephen Hawking, don't you?

Stevie, sure. I give him ideas;
He tells me knock knock jokes.

Knock knock jokes?
You got to be kidding?

Knock Knock. Who dere? Heinrich Hertz. Heinrich Hertz who?
My heinie hurts vhen I poo. I got a million of dem. Vant to hear?

Not really. Oh, look at the time.
I gotta go.

Time, shmime. It's all relative.
So Isaac Newton and Neils Bohr valk into a bar...