The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

by Doug Hawley

To clarify, this is not about a lisping lesbian, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

My first acting role was as Santa Claus in a grade school production.  Because we had no theatre department, I was chosen for the lead because I finished my homework quickly. The “plot” was a trip around the globe showing how different countries celebrated Christmas.  My one mistake was going to the countries out of order, but recovered with aplomb by blaming the reindeer. Oddly, no talent scout offered me a big studio contract.

My second role came about by an odd sequence of events. I was giving my friend Gary a ride to his starring part in a Portland Parks production of “Little Abner”. The director spotted another friend, the handsome Kim, and I, and said “Scraggs” (relatives of the beauteous Daisy Mae). The comic strip / movie / Broadway Scraggs were known to be lazy and ugly, so in my case it was type casting. Our song was “If I Had My Druthers”, which was OK because it didn’t require the ability to sing, which neither of us had. I got some praise as one of the handsome, muscular topless Dogpatch boys after drinking Yokumberry Tonic. Remembering the good parts is a good thing. Afterwards, the show was televised on local TV, which confirmed my lack of singing ability (this partly inspired “Nose” which is in Short Humour and Literally Stories).

When we moved to Marin California after leaving a job that I hated, I became a decent docent at China Camp, which involved storytelling about a Chinese shrimping settlement. It is a fascinating story involving history, culture and business, but not too funny.

I became a programmer and seller of actuarial software, which was quite a leap in that I couldn’t program or sell, but at least it gave me something to do beyond being a house husband. For several years I worked on advertising and running booths at industry meetings for my software, and if that isn’t show biz, I don’t know what is.

When Windows replaced DOS, I was unwilling or unable to revise the programs, and thought that we had enough money to retire.

Now I “act” indirectly (my lovely and talented editor thought that “at one remove” was too obscure). My alter ego, Duke Hanley gets to do the things that I’m too smart, too incompetent, or too fearful to do in many of the stories that I write. 

Short bio - As indicated, the author plays a writer on the internet (and sometimes in print).  This story is a continuing series of vignettes (or as they are known, "lies") which can be shown at his memorial (not this week I hope). 
Proof that he is an author, here is more, some of which are still available: .