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The Marital Dialogues Act 1
by Doug Hawley

Duke puts towel over face with just tightey whiteys on “How old am I now?” 
Sally “About 45.” 
Duke “But I’ve got a body of a twenty year old.” 
Sally “I know, you keep it in the refrigerator for midnight snacks.  Sarcastic “You know I never get tired of that Jeffrey Dahmer memorial humor.” 
Duke takes towel off face “How old am I now?” 
Sally “About 75.” 
Duke “Isn’t there a rule that you can’t estimate older than I am?” 
Sally “If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.   Anyhow, how much do you think that scruffy beard ages you?  Get rid of it and you will shave years off your age.” 
Duke “Funny.  But the beard goes so well with my arthritis and blood pressure.  I’ve embraced my little old man.” 
Sally “I notice that you are now 5’5” on your driver’s license.  Didn’t you used to be 5’6”? ” 
Duke “Right, well the difference is 1” lying and 1” shrinkage.” 
Sally “I understand the shrinkage as men age.” 
Duke “Along the lines of shrinkage, aren’t I supposed to weigh 30 pounds more than you?” 
Sally Silence 
Duke “You’re getting your haircut again?  Are you shooting for shorter than me?” 
Sally “How many times must I tell you, it’s easier to take care of and looks better on me at my age.” 
Duke “If short hair is good for your age, why do all of the old women with hair your length look old?” 
Sally “First, they look old because they ARE old.  Secondly, when my hair was longer, I had it up so it didn’t look long anyhow.” 
Duke “Donna looks great in her very gray ponytail.” 
Sally “Your girlfriend Donna is a LITTLE younger than me and she would look good shaved bald.” 
Duke “She’s not my girlfriend, but she is hot in overalls.” 
Sally “Forget ponytails, and if you want to make sure my hair is longer than yours, get a haircut.” 
Duke “You got on the computer while I was gone for 5 minutes.” 
Sally “I’ll just be on for five minutes.” 
Fifteen minutes later.  Sally “I’m almost done.  I found some things I needed to reply to.” 
Another fifteen minutes later.  Sally “I’m done now.”  
Three hours later.   Duke “I’m done.  Anything you want to check?” 
Duke “You said that no one else would ever want me.  Just look at this personal. ‘SSBBW will take on anyone who has 8 inche$ with Molly’.“ 
Sally “Duke, do you know what that means?” 
Duke “Like I said, she wants me and some woman named Molly for a three way.” 
Sally “You are so deluded.  You are short about 3”, Molly is a form of the drug Ecstasy, and the $ sign means it will cost you.  What do you think that SSBBW means?” 
Duke “Super sexy blonde bombshell wench?” 
Sally “It means super super big beautiful woman, who the Bureau Of Weights And Standards has defined as 325 – 450 pounds. 
Duke “OK, that isn’t as good a deal as I thought.” 
Sally “Let me see the M4F personals.  Oh, they are 200 times as many as the F4M listings.  Looks like I have a clear advantage.  Here’s one with a picture.  Look how big he is compared to that coke can.” 
Duke “Now it’s my turn to give YOU the bad news.  That novelty soda can is only three inches high.”  
Sally “Which cartoon did we resemble today, Pickles or Grand Avenue?” 
Duke “I’ll go with Pickles.  I think that it was either wrinkles or memory related, I don’t know which.” 
An hour down the road.  Duke “Did you remember the camera?” 
Sally “It was in my hand before I went to the bathroom and why are you asking me now?”  
After another fifteen minutes. Duke “See how he brakes every time he comes to a curve or a slight downhill.  Can’t they shift?  Does the slightest curve or downhill mean going 10 miles per hour?” 
After another ten minutes.  Duke “Why was he in such a hurry to turn in front of me if he wanted to go ten miles under the speed limit.” 
After another twenty minutes.  Duke “Another @#%& flagger.” 
Sally “Maybe I should have driven.” 
Sally “Did you know that Judy is a felon?” 
Duke “What about a moody watermelon?” 
Sally “Would you please turn down the music, look at me, put in your hearing aids and be thirty years younger.” 
Duke “Was that louder or quieter on the music?” 
Sally “Duke, be careful, don’t break your wrist.” 
Duke “Whose wrist do you want me to break?” 
Duke has been driving for a hundred miles and has not said anything.  Sally “How are you doing?” 
Duke pauses and seems to come alive.  Duke “WHAT?” as if just waking up.