Dialogues Act 1
by Doug Hawley
towel over face with just tightey whiteys on How
old am I now?
Sally About 45.
Duke But Ive got a body of a twenty
Sally I know, you keep it in the
refrigerator for midnight snacks. Sarcastic You
know I never get tired of that Jeffrey Dahmer
Duke takes towel off face How
old am I now?
Sally About 75.
Duke Isnt there a rule that you cant
estimate older than I am?
Sally If you dont want to know, dont
ask. Anyhow, how much do you
think that scruffy beard ages you? Get
rid of it and you will shave years off your age.
Duke Funny. But the beard goes
so well with my arthritis and blood pressure. Ive
embraced my little old man.
Sally I notice that you are now 55
on your drivers license. Didnt
you used to be 56?
Duke Right, well the difference is 1
lying and 1 shrinkage.
Sally I understand the shrinkage as men age.
Duke Along the lines of shrinkage, arent
I supposed to weigh 30 pounds more than you?
Duke Youre getting your haircut again? Are
you shooting for shorter than me?
Sally How many times must I tell you, its
easier to take care of and looks better on me at
Duke If short hair is good for your age,
why do all of the old women with hair your length
Sally First, they look old because they ARE
old. Secondly, when my hair was longer,
I had it up so it didnt look long anyhow.
Duke Donna looks great in her very gray
Sally Your girlfriend Donna
is a LITTLE younger than me and she would look
good shaved bald.
Duke Shes not my girlfriend, but she
is hot in overalls.
Sally Forget ponytails, and if you want to
make sure my hair is longer than yours, get a
Duke You got on the computer while I was
gone for 5 minutes.
Sally Ill just be on for five minutes.
Fifteen minutes later. Sally
Im almost done. I found
some things I needed to reply to.
Another fifteen minutes later. Sally
Im done now.
Three hours later. Duke
Im done. Anything you want
Duke You said that no one else would ever
want me. Just look at this personal.
SSBBW will take on anyone who has 8 inche$
Sally Duke, do you know what that means?
Duke Like I said, she wants me and some
woman named Molly for a three way.
Sally You are so deluded. You
are short about 3, Molly is a form of the
drug Ecstasy, and the $ sign means it will cost
you. What do you think that SSBBW
Duke Super sexy blonde bombshell wench?
Sally It means super super big beautiful
woman, who the Bureau Of Weights And Standards
has defined as 325 450 pounds.
Duke OK, that isnt as good a deal as
Sally Let me see the M4F personals. Oh,
they are 200 times as many as the F4M listings. Looks
like I have a clear advantage. Heres
one with a picture. Look how big he is
compared to that coke can.
Duke Now its my turn to give YOU the
bad news. That novelty soda can is
only three inches high.
Sally Which cartoon did we resemble today,
Pickles or Grand Avenue?
Duke Ill go with Pickles. I
think that it was either wrinkles or memory
related, I dont know which.
An hour down the road. Duke
Did you remember the camera?
Sally It was in my hand before I went to
the bathroom and why are you asking me now?
After another fifteen minutes. Duke
See how he brakes every time he comes to a
curve or a slight downhill. Cant
they shift? Does the slightest curve
or downhill mean going 10 miles per hour?
After another ten minutes. Duke Why
was he in such a hurry to turn in front of me if
he wanted to go ten miles under the speed limit.
After another twenty minutes. Duke
Another @#%& flagger.
Sally Maybe I should have driven.
Sally Did you know that Judy is a felon?
Duke What about a moody watermelon?
Sally Would you please turn down the music,
look at me, put in your hearing aids and be
thirty years younger.
Duke Was that louder or quieter on the
Sally Duke, be careful, dont break
Duke Whose wrist do you want me to break?
Duke has been driving for a hundred miles and
has not said anything. Sally
How are you doing?
Duke pauses and seems to come alive. Duke
WHAT? as if just waking up.