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The Marital Dialogues Act 2
by Doug Hawley

Duke singing “When the deep purple falls over sleepy”
Sally interrupts “Duke, you’ve been warned about singing. Stop it now.”

Sally “Do have any idea what we should do when we can’t cut the mustard anymore?”
Duke “When it happens to me, I assume that you will still be OK, because I’m halfway around the bend now. Take me into the woods, and if I find my way back you have to keep me.  Otherwise I’ll try to survive by mugging squirrels and eating berries.”
Sally “If it does happen to me first, put me in a comfy chair and bring me chocolates and brandy.

Duke “Your mother hates me.”
Sally “That is just not true. How can you say that?”
Duke “She refers to me the drain clog.”
Sally “OK, she may not like you much.”
Duke “Why?”
Sally “I married you. She hates in-laws and isn’t that crazy about family.”

Sally “Why do you take your shirt off before going to the toilet?”
Duke “Shittee on shirttail 5 cents extra.”

Duke repeatedly clicking Info on the remote “Hmm. Why doesn’t this work. Could it be that the last person to use this didn’t hit the cable button?”
Sally “I usually hit the cable button. Why can’t you just hit the cable button?”
Duke “The person who starts the remote should just hit all three buttons.”
Sally “Can we just move on, PLEASE?”

Duke “How do I turn on the laundry?”
Sally “How did you ever survive as a bachelor?”
Duke “It wasn’t pretty. I used to use plates until they were so dirty the food rolled off. I learned how to use a coin op laundry. I don’t think I ever washed sheets or blankets. My mother checked in from time to time to see if I was surviving. I can’t remember where my clothes came from.”

Duke “Wasn’t the deal that I would buy the car and you would plan for Backyard Certification?”
Sally “Yes.”
Duke “Didn’t we get a car over a year ago?”
Sally “I’m planning on the garden.”

Sally “Whose turn is it to fill up the pill containers?”
Duke “I don’t even know what I had for breakfast and that was fifteen minutes ago.”

Sally “What color do you want to paint the house?”
Duke “Purple with orange racing stripes.”
Sally “Sigh. Why do I even bother?”

Duke “Do you remember our first date?”
Sally “I vividly remember, we went to see “Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid” and then went to the ‘The Midnight Sun’ for dinner.  It was a great evening.”
Duke “Apparently your memory is no better than mine. I invited you over to my apartment for popcorn and sex. You are right about it being a great evening. The movie and dinner wasn’t until later in Atlanta.”
Sally “You lie. I have a mind like a steel trap.”
Duke “Right. Rusty and filled with dead furry things.”

Duke “How about an evening of dining and dancing.”
Sally “Great idea. It’s been a long time since we have gone out to do anything.”
Duke “Uhh … I was thinking of bringing some MacDonald’s home and playing some Rolling Stones or Little Richard.”
Sally “Ever the romantic.”