by Dusty Wallace
Slipenshitz looked down on the main deck and
smiled. The sails of The Maidens Chastity
filled with east wind. Save for the burning globe
in its center, the cerulean sky was peaceful. It
had been a fruitful raid of The Vulva Islands;
food, gold, and wine filled the ships cargo.
With the winds promising a swift return home, the
crew of The Maidens Chastity were of high
Smegma had called the men to attention before
Captain Slipenshitz made his announcement from
the poop deck:
done a fine job of crewing The Maidens
Chastity. As you know, weve had a rather
profitable encounter with The Vulvas. You men
have earned yourself a fair share of that booty.
Thats why Im doubling the wages of
each of you. And when we dock, the first rounds
The crew began
cheering, applauding and smacking each other on
the ass. Smegma joined in, planting a kiss on
Slipenshitzs cheek. The Captains grin
fell. He looked at Smegma with an edge to cut
through steel. The cheering, clapping, ass-smacking
crew went silent.
knew your lips were so soft, Smegma,
Slipenshitz said. The ruckus flared up again,
sounds of joy filling the high seas. Nothing else
could be heard over the noise.
rocked with a sudden violence, splashing the
celebrating seamen with salty liquid. The well-trained
crew were back at their posts in a flash. Smegma
shouted out orders from the poop while
Slipenshitz rushed to the edge to look for coral
or other hazards.
backed away from the starboard as a great bulbous
creature surfaced. Eight tentacles stretched out
from its globular head, each lined with suction
cups. Crowning the tip of each appendage was a
mushroom shape, undeniably phallic.
The crew wasnt
ready for battle in those peaceful waters. Before
they could man the cannons the leviathan moved to
bow, filling each porthole with its prehensile
The gun deck
was soon flooded by a sticky-white fluid. The
seamens arms were useless in its viscosity.
Unable to swim, the seamen drowned.
Slipenshitz wouldnt die without a fight. He
pulled the flint-lock pistol from his hip and
took aim at the beast. He exhaled, then fired,
exploding the left eyeball of the foul creature.
Now, at least, they were only dealing with a one-eyed
writhed in a climax of agony, using its tentacles
to lift the brigantine and smash it down into the
waves. The Maidens Chastity was left in
Smegma hung to
a piece of wrecked hull. He spotted Slipenshitz
doing likewise and paddled over to him.
must be why The Pearly Necklace never made its
way back to port, Smegma said.
suppose so, Smegma. But that was no great loss.
The Pearly Necklace was always a mess,
do we do now, Captain? Smegma asked.
thought for a moment and said, Nothing we
can do. The Maidens Chastity is fucked.