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The Maiden's Chastity
by Dusty Wallace

Captain Slipenshitz looked down on the main deck and smiled. The sails of The Maiden’s Chastity filled with east wind. Save for the burning globe in its center, the cerulean sky was peaceful. It had been a fruitful raid of The Vulva Islands; food, gold, and wine filled the ship’s cargo. With the winds promising a swift return home, the crew of The Maiden’s Chastity were of high morale.

Chief Mate Smegma had called the men to attention before Captain Slipenshitz made his announcement from the poop deck:

“Men. You’ve done a fine job of crewing The Maiden’s Chastity. As you know, we’ve had a rather profitable encounter with The Vulvas. You men have earned yourself a fair share of that booty. That’s why I’m doubling the wages of each of you. And when we dock, the first round’s on me.”

The crew began cheering, applauding and smacking each other on the ass. Smegma joined in, planting a kiss on Slipenshitz’s cheek. The Captain’s grin fell. He looked at Smegma with an edge to cut through steel. The cheering, clapping, ass-smacking crew went silent.

“I never knew your lips were so soft, Smegma,” Slipenshitz said. The ruckus flared up again, sounds of joy filling the high seas. Nothing else could be heard over the noise.

The ship rocked with a sudden violence, splashing the celebrating seamen with salty liquid. The well-trained crew were back at their posts in a flash. Smegma shouted out orders from the poop while Slipenshitz rushed to the edge to look for coral or other hazards.

The Captain backed away from the starboard as a great bulbous creature surfaced. Eight tentacles stretched out from its globular head, each lined with suction cups. Crowning the tip of each appendage was a mushroom shape, undeniably phallic.

The crew wasn’t ready for battle in those peaceful waters. Before they could man the cannons the leviathan moved to bow, filling each porthole with its prehensile limbs.

The gun deck was soon flooded by a sticky-white fluid. The seamen’s arms were useless in its viscosity. Unable to swim, the seamen drowned.

Captain Slipenshitz wouldn’t die without a fight. He pulled the flint-lock pistol from his hip and took aim at the beast. He exhaled, then fired, exploding the left eyeball of the foul creature. Now, at least, they were only dealing with a one-eyed monster.

The beast writhed in a climax of agony, using its tentacles to lift the brigantine and smash it down into the waves. The Maiden’s Chastity was left in splinters.

Smegma hung to a piece of wrecked hull. He spotted Slipenshitz doing likewise and paddled over to him.

“This must be why The Pearly Necklace never made its way back to port,” Smegma said.

“I suppose so, Smegma. But that was no great loss. The Pearly Necklace was always a mess,” Slipenshitz said.

“So what do we do now, Captain?” Smegma asked.

Slipenshitz thought for a moment and said, “Nothing we can do. The Maiden’s Chastity is fucked.”