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The Last Stand of David Gopher-Bonk
by Gracjan Kraszewski

Deep, deep, deep, deep into the forest he traveled, a man who considered Don Quixote to be the world’s first self-help book. David would often thumb through his copy’s well-worn pages, skimming over his myriad annotations, written in green ink, looking for the seeds of his personal mission.

He had found it. He was now well on his way. Still further into the forest he went until he reached an open clearing. The time was nigh. You see, David was a scientist and a rational man with but one soft spot: for El Príncipe de los Ingenios. Numbers laid all mysteries bare. That’s why he had, over the course of only forty-five years, developed 62,229 algorithms for every possible life situation, each one unique, each one perfectly effective.

Well, “perfection” and “effectiveness” are relative things. And people did ridicule him, a lot—for never having won a second date, for not having attained his high school diploma, and especially because he was seven foot nine and couldn’t dunk a basketball. (Expletive deleted) them, David thought. Literally. He refused to use profanity. Instead he substituted (expletive deleted) each time. When he wasn’t allowed to dine in a Keebler Elf themed restaurant because of his height, David snapped: “(Expletive deleted) you! And this whole (expletive deleted) place, piece of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!” It was quite exhausting, to tell the truth. But returning to the story, to how David arrived at the open clearing in the middle of the forest.

The reason was his sixty-second thousandth, two hundred and twenty-ninth algorithm; his final algorithm. His masterpiece. Because remember, David was a scientist and a rational man.

All his calculations pointed to one indisputable conclusion, presented in five steps.
1.     Import as many Minnesota gophers as possible to his home in Montana.
2.     Tell the animals, en masse, that they were about to embark on a journey.
3.     Change his last name from Fredericks to Gopher-Bonk (so they would accept him as their leader; “Bonk” is the literal translation of leader in their language).
4.     Lead this army into an open clearing in the middle of a wood.

Now the past and present have met. David, surrounded by his charges, readied to carry out the fifth step. Step five: the last stand of David Gopher-Bonk.

What is the last stand of David Gopher-Bonk? I have no idea. A guy ran off into the forest with a bunch of animals he claimed could understand him…do we need a professional medical opinion? No. Let’s just be happy we all can enjoy this really peculiar story. Cheers, the drinks are on me.