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Son Of Simon
by Doug Hawley

“Chief, we got the guy that had the whole city on edge, people afraid to leave home.” 
“You mean the Restaurant Terrorist?  Great work Sally.” 
“Yes, the one who left batteries on restaurant tables all over town, scrambled the silverware, filled the sugar bowls with salt, and turned plates upside down, the fiend.  The batteries spilled acid on some of the tables and ate all the way through.  We not only caught him in the act, but he had a hundred pounds of salt in his trunk and two hundred batteries.  AA batteries for tables with two seats, D batteries for three to six and car batteries for family style.  The terrorist is Duke Hanley, an actuary at Federal Union.” 
“So guaranteed conviction?” 
“Almost.  He claims that Son Of Simon told him to do it.  We thought that he might have been shooting for an insanity plea, but I don’t think that he will get away with it.” 
“Why not, Sally?” 
“Son of Simon said he never told Duke to do any of those things.” 
“Who is Son Of Simon?” 
“His cat, Chief.  Son Of Simon says Duke is lying.” 
“Is this some kind of game?” 
“No Chief, I’m just telling you what S O S, as we call him, said.  According to him, he just requested Duke buy Rat Nuggets cat food, the best in the world.” 
“Wait a minute Sally; I think that I’ve heard of S O S.  Isn’t he an influencer for the makers of Rat Nuggets?  My husband loves his You Tube channel.” 
“Just to tighten this up Sally, could you get anyone to corroborate S O S?” 
“I did Chief.  Both Elmer and Jocelyn backed him up.” 
“Who are they?” 
“Elmer is the goldfish and Jocelyn is the parrot that lives with Hanley and  S O S.  They both say S O S never requested anything from Duke but Rat Nuggets, and Greg says both are completely honest.” 
“Tell me Sally, who might the character witness Greg be?” 
“He’s the dog and the whole neighborhood says that he is a good boy.” 
“You got the guy that committed a salt and battery fifty times around our fair city.  Now that this is wrapped up, we need a special treat.  Let’s call up our spouses and go out for the biggest double bacon cheeseburgers with the cheapest beer we can find to celebrate.”