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by Doug Hawley

“Tell me a little bit about yourself Mr. Smith.”

“First, Smith isn’t my original name.  I had to change it several times because my baby mommies kept trying to get me for child support.  Six or seven women, ten or fifteen kids, I can’t keep track.”

“Anyhoo, I didn’t have much schooling.  The fourth grade teacher, what’s her name, was a tyrant that thought she was smarter than me, you know what I mean.  That was OK, because I was big for my age, and I moved into some petty thievery and moving large quantities of weed.  At first I was too young to get a driver’s license, so I had to boost cars.  I got some pretty sweet rides, Lambos, Ferraris, and Porches.  I tell ya, I’m a great driver.”

“Things went south when MaryJane was legalized.  Politicians got no concern for no hard working business man.  Legal stuff killed my business.”

“Car theft had just been a sideline, but after the dope biz dried up, I went at it full time.  You only get about $10k for a stolen $90k car, but it only took a few a year to keep me in leather underwear.”

“Being an enterprising guy, I got into sex work as a side hustle.  Most of my baby mamas worked with me at one time, but I had to make myself scarce when they got pregnant.”

“If you been paying attention, what do you think, baldy?”

“In the bad old days, I wouldn’t have anything for you Mr. Smith.  However, in this enlightened age, I’ve got several possibilities for you if you really want to go legit.  Talk show host, reality star, you tube star, influencer and Instagram model opportunities are wide open.  If you want to avoid work but still get rich, I know a ghost writer who can turn your biography into a million seller.  That in turn can be a major motion picture blockbuster.  Welcome to fame and fortune.”