by Doug Hawley
Ive heard the polls are bad. How
do we turn this around?
Campaign Manager We could use your
performance on covid. Hmm, maybe not.
POLITICIAN We could emphasize my
CM Great idea! Everyone who
works for you says that you are brilliant. There
are a few places where you might be vulnerable. The
37% of the electorate that believe in science
noticed that those eggheads did not agree with
your suggestions about taking unapproved
medications, using ultraviolet light on ones
insides, and suggesting that corona would go away
in the summer.
Then theres those things you said about
windmills causing cancer and looking directly
into the sun. Again, some might not
understand that you will certainly be vindicated,
but they are just too stubborn to accept your
POLITICIAN Damned right. Whats
wrong with some people?
POLITICIAN What do the demographic polls
show? I must be ahead some places.
CM There are some bright spots. You
hold a lead in white males without a college
POLITICIAN How big?
CM 51% - 49%.
POLITICIAN But not the dumb women? They
always love me at beauty contests and when I pay
them enough. I suppose a few of them
didnt seem to appreciate aggressive
romantic gestures on my part.
CM I fear the democrats, or as you call
them, dirty rotten commie mongrels, will play up
the few totally bogus news articles that have
defamed your pristine reputation.
POLITICIAN Is that enough for me to win?
CM Close, but not quite.
POLITICIAN How do I do by region?
CM Kentucky likes you and a few southern
states. Youre only 10% behind in
some mountain and Midwest states. Theres
time to catch up those places.
POLITICIAN So Im winning big again
like I did in 2016 by millions of votes.
CM I cant guarantee it, but it could
POLITICIAN You didnt mention
nonwhites in your projections. Im
good there arent I? Three of my
best friends are Mexes or Black. Im
not sure which is which, but they all have dark
skin. They caddy for me. They
love me because I tip the full recommended amount
and show them pictures of the insides of my
Would it help it I learned to speak Black or
CM Were in a bit of trouble there. Some
people cant take a joke, and your talk of
rapist immigrants and shithole countries were
taken the wrong way.
POLITICIAN If they are turning on their
biggest benefactor, me, I should fall back on
applauding the racist community. Would
a photo op with Klansmen work?
CM Problem there is you keep your core,
which you already had, and risk losing some votes.
POLITICIAN OK, clearly Ive got a
lead on the economy.
CM Yes, you are great on the economy but
people who are out of work or whose businesses
have gone under may not see it that way. Some
narrow minded Americans who pay taxes and didnt
inherit hundreds of millions are resentful.
Im afraid your opponent will mention the
charity fraud, inviting dignitaries to your
hotels, bankruptcies, and your nondisclosure on
taxes. That could set you back a
POLITICIAN Can the Russians save me again? One
thing doesnt make any sense. Republicans
used to not like Russia, but it has such a great
leader. He knows how to run a country. He
doesnt have to put up with the crap that I
CM They are already doing everything that
they can. You know those favorable
tweets that come in at all hours of the night? Their
work. You should remember that they
POLITICIAN So if you cant guarantee
Ill win in a landslide, what can you do for
me? If I dont hear a good answer
POLITICIAN looks around for TV cameras, but then
remembers where he is.
CM Its not all bad. I can
give you a list of countries that wont