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by Doug Hawley

POLITICIAN – I’ve heard the polls are bad.  How do we turn this around?
Campaign Manager – We could use your performance on covid.  Hmm, maybe not.
POLITICIAN – We could emphasize my intelligence.
CM – Great idea!  Everyone who works for you says that you are brilliant.  There are a few places where you might be vulnerable.  The 37% of the electorate that believe in science noticed that those eggheads did not agree with your suggestions about taking unapproved medications, using ultraviolet light on one’s insides, and suggesting that corona would go away in the summer.
Then there’s those things you said about windmills causing cancer and looking directly into the sun.  Again, some might not understand that you will certainly be vindicated, but they are just too stubborn to accept your genius.
POLITICIAN – Damned right.  What’s wrong with some people?
POLITICIAN – What do the demographic polls show?  I must be ahead some places.
CM – There are some bright spots.  You hold a lead in white males without a college education.
CM – 51% - 49%.
POLITICIAN – But not the dumb women?  They always love me at beauty contests and when I pay them enough.  I suppose a few of them didn’t seem to appreciate aggressive romantic gestures on my part.
CM – I fear the democrats, or as you call them, dirty rotten commie mongrels, will play up the few totally bogus news articles that have defamed your pristine reputation.
POLITICIAN – Is that enough for me to win?
CM – Close, but not quite.
POLITICIAN – How do I do by region?
CM – Kentucky likes you and a few southern states.  You’re only 10% behind in some mountain and Midwest states.  There’s time to catch up those places.
POLITICIAN – So I’m winning big again like I did in 2016 by millions of votes.
CM – I can’t guarantee it, but it could happen.
POLITICIAN – You didn’t mention nonwhites in your projections.  I’m good there aren’t I?  Three of my best friends are Mexes or Black.  I’m not sure which is which, but they all have dark skin.  They caddy for me.  They love me because I tip the full recommended amount and show them pictures of the insides of my mansion.
Would it help it I learned to speak Black or Mexican?
CM – Were in a bit of trouble there.  Some people can’t take a joke, and your talk of rapist immigrants and shithole countries were taken the wrong way.
POLITICIAN – If they are turning on their biggest benefactor, me, I should fall back on applauding the racist community.  Would a photo op with Klansmen work?
CM – Problem there is you keep your core, which you already had, and risk losing some votes.
POLITICIAN – OK, clearly I’ve got a lead on the economy.
CM – Yes, you are great on the economy but people who are out of work or whose businesses have gone under may not see it that way.  Some narrow minded Americans who pay taxes and didn’t inherit hundreds of millions are resentful.
I’m afraid your opponent will mention the charity fraud, inviting dignitaries to your hotels, bankruptcies, and your nondisclosure on taxes.  That could set you back a little.
POLITICIAN – Can the Russians save me again?  One thing doesn’t make any sense.  Republicans used to not like Russia, but it has such a great leader.  He knows how to run a country.  He doesn’t have to put up with the crap that I do.
CM – They are already doing everything that they can.  You know those favorable tweets that come in at all hours of the night?  Their work.  You should remember that they expect payback.
POLITICIAN – So if you can’t guarantee I’ll win in a landslide, what can you do for me?  If I don’t hear a good answer YOU’RE FIRED.
POLITICIAN looks around for TV cameras, but then remembers where he is.
CM – It’s not all bad.  I can give you a list of countries that won’t extradite you.