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My Short Time as a Babysitter
by Lily Murphy

I hate children. I think children are annoying little creatures who excel at getting adults into trouble.

I used to be a child, but that was a long time ago.

I once had my arm twisted by my friend to baby sit her kid for a night while she went off to a Neil Diamond concert with her partner. I never took up such an occupation before in my life but I foolishly decided to give it a go.

Now this little kid I had to baby sit was verging on his fifth birthday and I really did not want to stay up and talk toddler gibberish with him all night so I decided to put him to bed.

My idea was to open a six pack and watch some late night comedy central while he was away in dream land, but a setback occurred: the little shit wanted me to read him a bed time story.

Now I don’t particularly like reading anything that’s not on the back of a tinned can of soup or in the TV guide, but the little bastard insisted I read him a bed time story or else he wouldn’t go to sleep.

What else could I do but read a fucking bed time story!

I had a six pack of Coors light waiting for me and them mountains weren’t going to stay blue for much longer so I asked him what story he would like me to read and he produced a book of old fairy tales, you know the stories full of mermaids, witches and all that shit.

He asked me to read him Little Red Riding Hood, and this is where the night got interesting both for me and the kid I was babysitting because I decided to tell the tale of Red Riding Hood in 21st century mode.

I ignored the words on the page and began telling the story my way. I began by stating how Red Riding Hood was hiding out in the woods because she was wanted in connection with the triple murder of the Billy goats gruff.

I went on to describe how she had a grandma who lived alone somewhere in the woods where she grew pot and was one of the biggest suppliers of weed in the state of Fairyland.

I went on to tell how Red Riding Hood had spent weeks in the woods searching for her grandmother just so she could organise a safe passage to South America for her. I then I got questioned on the whereabouts of the wolf.

I got so carried away with building a criminal record for Red Riding Hood and her grandma that I had forgotten there was a fucking wolf in the story!

So I had to reel the wolf into the tale somehow and so I told how Red Riding Hood saw the wolf in the woods crouched behind a big rock. I described how Red Riding Hood approached him and bluntly remarked on what big eyes he had, but the wolf jumped up and ran away.

I went on to tell how Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched behind a tree. When she went up to him and said what big teeth he had, he jumped up again but this time he let out roar at Red Riding Hood, ‘Will you ever fuck off I am trying to have a shit here!’

Then he punched her fucking lights out.

Before I could tell the kid what Red Riding Hood’s fate was and make up a prequel regarding her past life as a prostitute in Amsterdam along with her cousins Hansel and Gretel, I noticed the little guy I was babysitting had fallen asleep.

So I went and spent the night on the couch with my six pack of beer and some comedy central, very satisfied with my babysitting abilities.

Well I thought all had gone well until the next day when I got an angry phone call from my friend, the kid’s mother, who wanted to know why her toddler was talking about an old woman growing weed in the woods, a young girl wanted for the triple murder of goats and a wolf who gets violent when he can’t be left alone to have a shit.

I wasn’t asked to baby-sit again.