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Iron Age Warrior Remains Unearthed in Bexhill
by Nathan Cromwell

Burg, an Iron Age warrior who died millennia ago in what is now modern-day Bexhill-on-Sea, remains to be unearthed. In spite of a buried power line two yards from his feet and the recent backhoe activity for the new Sainsbury’s, he lies where he fell that fateful afternoon, struck down by an axe, a spear, and, in a show of poor sportsmanship, a foot to the cobblers.

"They found those adulterous bastards Snuk and Gool, but no, not me," grumbled the osseous little whiner. That twosome, Burg's former 'mate' and her new beau after Burg’s timely demise, were discovered three years ago by a teen burying a time capsule filled with evidence of her angst-riddled life in order to prove to future generations how unfair her mom was being. The pair are on display at the Exploratorium at the Bexhill Megaplex. The Iron Age couple are, that is, and not the teen and her mom, though you can be pretty sure on any given day to see the girl sulking in the tattoo parlor beside the chemist’s where her boyfriend works inking boobs legally old enough, and the mom is usually parked in the pub across the hall smiling through her buzz at her daughter’s face as the older women flirt with the boyfriend. It’s a pretty seedy mall, truth be told.

"It's a shame--I'm so well preserved," Burg continued.  "And I'm way cooler: I've got a spear lodged right under my left cranial arch and exiting near my dorsal fin. I've also got a bone from an index finger impaled on my right dewclaw. People would love to see that, not two losers who ate the wrong berries."

Scientists say no plans are afoot to discover and disinter Burg, who more and more sounds less and less like a warrior and more like some sort of extinct and delusional pet.