How to Write
Fiction
by Wayne Scheer
Throw away all
your how-to-write books. This series on the art
of fiction will tell you everything you need to
know about pleasing editors--because it's editors
you're writing for, not real people. The author
of forty three self-published novels has spent
many years honing his craft. Now for a mere $4.99
a month, you can get writing tips you won't
believe.
Here are a few
gems to get you started on the write road. (Editors
love puns.)
You're always
told to hook your reader with the first sentence,
but never how to do this. Offer a weather report.
What does the sky look like? The temperature?
Barometric pressure.
Impress
editors with your meteorological knowledge.
Weather reports also offer a chance to start with
a long paragraph, and who doesn't love a long
paragraph? If you can toss in a big word or two,
all the better. Remember, you're a writer, not a
mime, so show off your vocabulary. Don't just say
the sky was gray, tell whether the clouds were
cirrus or cumulus. Even better, were they
cumulonimbus or nimbustratus?
Once the
editor is caught like a fastball in a catcher's
mitt, let the story flow--flow being a technical
term for long sentences with lots of commas.
Use similes
and metaphors whenever possible. Don't worry.
Hardly anyone knows the difference. Just compare
stuff to other stuff. Like a ringing telephone to
a yodeling mountaineer. That's called literary
style.
Never mind a
plot. It's more important to have an interesting
voice. This is where fiction and political speech
writers join hands.
Make your
characters unique. Do this by giving them
interesting names-- first, middle and last names,
including maiden names. The Russians do it; no
reason you shouldn't.
And ascribe
each of them memorable characteristics. Limping,
stuttering and lisping work well.
Don't write
dull, he said/she said dialogue. No one reads
Hemingway anymore. Interject whenever possible.
“ I love that about you,” she smiled
sardonically.”
Whenever you're
not sure of a particular point of grammar or
punctuation, remember this: Proofreading is
a bore/That's what editors are for.
When it's time
to conclude your story, surprise your reader.
“Franklin woke up and it was all a dream.”
I suggest an additional twist: “Or was it?”
Editors lap up this kind of story.
This should
kickstart your literary caboose. Next installment,
only $4.99, will offer tips on writing nasty
letters to unappreciative editors.
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