The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Hiking Etiquette, Glossary And Wisdom
by Doug Hawley

Affirmation – Are we here yet? The answer is always yes.
Are we there yet? – If said subject to capital punishment.
Bleeding – Probably not fatal unless in pints.
Bonus – To leader for bringing back more hikers than taken out.
Boots – Wear them.
Cell phone – Don’t depend on. Useful in emergencies and to irritate other hikers.
Cheryl Strayed / Wild Rules:
            Try out your boots for a few miles, before a thousand mile hike.
            Try out your pack for a few miles before a thousand mile hike.
Cliffs – Where you find out if you have any serious enemies.
Clothes – Take clothes for all possible weather. Layers good.  In good weather, flaunt it if you’ve got it.
Falls – Try to avoid, but you won’t. Practice tuck and roll at home after moving all breakables.
Feet – Something that hurts.
Five Mile Hike – The new ten mile hike.
Flower Identification – They are smaller than trees.
Gaiters – Misspelling of gators.
Gatorade – Bring for your gators.
Good Hike – Nobody dies.
GPS – If your group has one, you will know exactly where you are. If you have more than one, you will have no idea.
High heeled sneakers – Good song, bad for hiking.
Knife edge – terrain where I won’t be found.
Leader talk:
            We are almost at lunch – Means we aren’t.
            It is just around the bend – And 20 others.
            There is no uphill after lunch – There is.
            The steam crossings were easy when I scouted – They aren’t now.
            It is a five mile level hike – It could be
Mountain – Something that you can fall off screaming to your death.
Nature – Our enemy.  It blocks views, sends coyotes and raccoons into our backyards and slugs into our gardens. We must win the battle against nature at all cost.
Poles or walking sticks – Equipment used to ensure that the face is broken rather than wrists when one falls or for stabbing the hiker behind. Rule of the trail – the hiker behind is at fault.
Poison Oak – Leaves of three, let me be. Definitely, do not use as toilet paper.
Potty Stop Men – Where men trade five years of life for speedier peeing (at least until the prostate acts up). Prowess is judged by a jury of their pee-ers.
Potty Stop Women – It is a mystery.
Rain – Get used to it.
Rocky Road – An ice cream flavor, or a route that is hard on the feet.
Scrambles – Hands in use.  Watch out for the hiker in front rolling down on top of you.
Shrinkage – Happens to guys in cold streams.  Hike leaders allowed to lose up to 10% of hikers before being penalized.
Ticks – An excuse to get naked and have someone inspect you. You could get lucky in more ways than one. 
Toenails – Trim them to prevent downhill pain. To be safe, have them surgically removed.
Trail – Note similarity in spelling to trial. Stay on it.
Tree Identification – You guessed it. They are bigger than flowers.
Volcanic Eruption – Avoid.
Walkie-Talkies – Great devices for communicating on group hikes, which perform perfectly until you need them in an emergency.
Water – Bring lots.  Drink same.
Weather – Will not be what you expected.
Wildlife – At our age after a ten mile hike?