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Farage Makes an Offer They Can't Refuse
by Wallace Runnymede

Nigel Farage has finally had it with the intransigence of the EU.

So he's offering the following nuclear option for Europe, which has terrified sundry Eurocrats and politicians of all the once proud and arrogant former states of Europe.

Nigel genially smirks:

If you don't give us what we want, we will stay in the EU forever!

Apparently the whole continent's quaking in their seven-league, standard-sized, uniform and achingly metric-compatible boots at this terrible prospect.

I just don't understand it, sobs Angela Merkel, her eyes streaming with the memories of the good riddance that could have been.

Why, we have done absolutely nothing to upset the British!

We have tried, oh please believe me, we have tried so, so hard; we really have!

Oh, it is just a tragedy. No one is perfect, but we have always attempted to give their voluminous demands the utmost consideration.

Ach, why should more decades of whinging and moaning be inflicted on us? It is simply too much to bear.

Former charismatic French leader Nicolas Sarkozy roars:

No wonder something like this happens, with Monsieur Hollande sitting on the hands. Why does he say nothing, doing nothing at all? Rien de tout! We need a leader who can grasp the hold of these chicken-nugget-eating hooligans and expel them forever! L'enfer c'est les rosbifs? N'est-ce pas?

Farage was unable to comment on these views from Germany and France as he was smacking his lips at a fine Bavarian real ale in a comfortable small-town pub in the Welsh valleys.

Still, I guess it won't be too long before we hear his opinion. Normally isn't.


Oh wait, is that a bottle of champagne I see before me?


And a bottle of Normandy's finest?


An earlier version of this piece appears at: