The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Eight Legged Terrorists
by Lily Murphy

Since watching Arachnophobia at the age of five, my love for eight legged insects has not been great.

Spiders make me break out in an apocalyptic like scream for mercy and in the last few weeks my throat has been worn out due to excessive howling.

There has been a recent dramatic fall in temperatures and this has resulted in an almighty influx of spiders into many people’s homes.

Now before I go any further I must let you know that these spiders are not delicate little insects, these guys are the size of a small car!

My first encounter with one of these big spiders came shortly after midnight as I was making my retreat to bed.

I found him on the wall at the head of my bed, massive eight legs all sprawled out holding up a well buffed chassis.

I let out a banshee like scream but it did nothing to frighten him. He remained there determined that I get no sleep that night.

I removed him in over two hours with a glass and a piece of paper. I needed a shower and a shot of whiskey after the ordeal as I had sweat all the sweat a human can sweat and had pushed my blood pressure to tipping point.

Some days after my own traumatic spider ordeal, a spider conversation emerged with my friends. They too had been victims of an invasion of big spiders.

‘I had one in the kitchen yesterday, bigger than the dog!’ recalled one of my friends.

‘It took me the entire evening to beat him to death with the fly swatter.’

But I must state that the spider terrorism in which ordinary people are being subjected to is no joking matter. Just last weekend I found myself being terrorized once again by a big spider.

While settling down to watch TV I noticed something moving swiftly across the wall above the moving picture box. It was a huge spider scuttling across the wall on a mission.

I found myself like that woman in those Tom and Jerry cartoons, up on the chair screaming and howling.

I phoned for help, I couldn’t deal with that spider, no way could I do it all over again as my nerves were shot from the last encounter I had with a very large spider.

I fear that these extremely big spiders have been working out all Winter in some secret spider boot camp, pumping the iron and living solely on protein shakes.

Although I do detest spiders I cannot find the will to kill one so I would be a useless recruit to an ‘anti-terrorist spider squad’, a force I would encourage the authorities to set up before this spider invasion gets out of control.

If something isn’t done soon then I fear we may experience an all out invasion of eight legged terrorists causing disorder on the streets and leading to social breakdown.

As for myself, I continue to live in fearful anticipation of the next big spider to invade my home and cause me to experience loss of sleep, a near cardiac arrest and more consumption of whiskey.