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Daniel O'Donnell Versus Mainstream Coffee Culture
by Wallace Runnymede

Everyone's favourite cuddly and genial country singer, Daniel O'Donnell, has enraged thousands of fans in Ireland, both North and South. Apparently, the man unfortunately caricatured by malicious critics as the housewife's favourite, is actually not in the least partial to a cup of tea and a wee biccie.

"No, actually," murmurs Daniel in his lilting Donegal accent, "I'm not such a big fan of tea or coffee. This is a common misconception. I generally like superfoods: ye know, a wee organic goji berry milkshake, or a nice low-sugar vegetable smoothie.

"Aye, now... I'm trying to get away from all those caffeinated drinks, they make me a bit jumpy and I risk hitting the wrong notes because I'm too anxious.

"Ye know, I remember one time I was performing with Dominic Kirwan, live on stage, and he nearly gave me a hiding afterwards, because I was just that wee bit too twitchy and kept getting the pitch wrong. Since then, I've never touched a drop of it. I'm finally clean of the demon drink. 

"Aye, now... I don’t even need a nice Scooby before doing the odd impromptu controversial karaoke session in a scary pub on the wrong side of Belfast!"

That's a pretty shocking disclosure. Well, what about fig rolls and Rich Teas, Daniel?

"Ah now," ponders Daniel. "To be fair to ye, I generally prefer a good smoked salmon sandwich, or even some Egg Hollandaise; there's nothing like that to while away a good peaceful Sunday lunchtime."

But fans are heartbroken. One told me:

"Daniel was the one man in my life on whom I thought I could always depend. Well, apart from Kenny Rogers, anyhow.

“But aye… the husband is a lazy devil, and pretentious with it; and my son is some artsy-fartsy scribbler of some kind. But I thought I could always come back to Daniel.

"Like, what is all this fool nonsense about smoked salmon? And if you're a true Son of Ireland, you don't eat Eggs Hollandaise, do you? Centuries of Irish nationalism, and it’s just come to this!"

Another said:

"This man is a swindler, that's all he is! Sure me and the wife no less than three times, we sat down with this here man, and we had tea and buns. And not a word of complaint! Sure me and the wife, we would have moved Heaven and Earth to buy our hero what he wanted; we'd’ve giv' 'im the world on a silver platter!

"Aye, we'd've even gone to Marks and Spencer, never mind Lidl or Asda or even the Pound Shop! We'd have done anything! Absolutely anything! Me and the wife, we have our pride! But this here boy never once spoke up! It's just tara, so it is!"

However, the news has been good for some; apparently the tragic news has increased by 3000% the sum of disgruntled second-hand sales on Ebay of Daniel O'Donnell records, tapes, CDs and memorabilia; ever since Daniel made his scandalous and heartbreaking comments.

The Dáil has yet to comment on this earth-shattering event. 

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