Daniel O'Donnell
Versus Mainstream Coffee Culture
by Wallace
Runnymede
Everyone's
favourite cuddly and genial country singer,
Daniel O'Donnell, has enraged thousands of fans
in Ireland, both North and South. Apparently, the
man unfortunately caricatured by malicious
critics as the housewife's favourite, is actually
not in the least partial to a cup of tea and a
wee biccie.
"No,
actually," murmurs Daniel in his lilting
Donegal accent, "I'm not such a big fan of
tea or coffee. This is a common misconception. I
generally like superfoods: ye know, a wee organic
goji berry milkshake, or a nice low-sugar
vegetable smoothie.
"Aye, now...
I'm trying to get away from all those caffeinated
drinks, they make me a bit jumpy and I risk
hitting the wrong notes because I'm too anxious.
"Ye know,
I remember one time I was performing with Dominic
Kirwan, live on stage, and he nearly gave me a
hiding afterwards, because I was just that wee
bit too twitchy and kept getting the pitch wrong.
Since then, I've never touched a drop of it. I'm
finally clean of the demon drink.
"Aye, now...
I don’t even need a nice Scooby before doing
the odd impromptu controversial karaoke session
in a scary pub on the wrong side of Belfast!"
That's a
pretty shocking disclosure. Well, what about fig
rolls and Rich Teas, Daniel?
"Ah now,"
ponders Daniel. "To be fair to ye, I
generally prefer a good smoked salmon sandwich,
or even some Egg Hollandaise; there's nothing
like that to while away a good peaceful Sunday
lunchtime."
But fans are
heartbroken. One told me:
"Daniel
was the one man in my life on whom I thought I
could always depend. Well, apart from Kenny
Rogers, anyhow.
“But aye…
the husband is a lazy devil, and pretentious with
it; and my son is some artsy-fartsy scribbler of
some kind. But I thought I could always come back
to Daniel.
"Like,
what is all this fool nonsense about smoked
salmon? And if you're a true Son of Ireland, you
don't eat Eggs Hollandaise, do you? Centuries of
Irish nationalism, and it’s just come to
this!"
Another said:
"This man
is a swindler, that's all he is! Sure me and the
wife no less than three times, we sat down with
this here man, and we had tea and buns. And not a
word of complaint! Sure me and the wife, we would
have moved Heaven and Earth to buy our hero what
he wanted; we'd’ve giv' 'im the world on a
silver platter!
"Aye, we'd've
even gone to Marks and Spencer, never mind Lidl
or Asda or even the Pound Shop! We'd have done
anything! Absolutely anything! Me and the wife,
we have our pride! But this here boy never once
spoke up! It's just tara, so it is!"
However, the
news has been good for some; apparently the
tragic news has increased by 3000% the sum of
disgruntled second-hand sales on Ebay of Daniel O'Donnell
records, tapes, CDs and memorabilia; ever since
Daniel made his scandalous and heartbreaking
comments.
The Dáil
has yet to comment on this earth-shattering
event.
Edited
version of original on: http://www.thespoof.co.uk/spoof-news/entertainment-gossip/122624/daniel-odonnell-outrageous-claims-infuriate-erstwhile-fans
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