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by Doug Hawley

I don't know how widespread coots are.  They are very mysterious birds in that they all look alike, and show up and disappear without showing much ability to fly - I've never seen one fly more than about 10 feet.  They look like balls of suet with black head, white beak and with plastic yellow feet stuck on.  Sometimes they are called mud hens and despite their life in the water they are closer to chickens than ducks.  We've never seen baby coots.  Much like humans, male and female coots speak different languages.  They eat algae and insects, which may explain why most people don’t want to eat coots.

From this mystery, I have formed a theory.  I derived this theory in much the same way that Aristotle concluded that the brain is used to cool the blood.  Thank you Will Cuppy and the “Rise And Fall Of Practically Everybody.”  Read any Willy Cuppy that you can find.  Said theory follows:

I think that coot larvae are formed by asexual budding.  That would explain the absence of baby coots.  These are called cooties and are spread to unseemly teenagers that walk along the marsh.  The presence of cooties causes the scorn of one's peers.  On subsequent lonely forays along said marshes, the pupal stage of coots drop back into the marsh.  As they become coot adolescents, they form squawk groups which have cootenannies.  When they become old coots, they tell really pointless, boring stories (such as this one) to young birds who couldn't care less.

Or you could check Wikipedia if you don’t want to trust me about coots.

Appeared in Bitchin’ Kitsch