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by Doug Hawley

It seems like I’d been caged forever, but I’m sure that it was only a few days.  I suppose that I might consider my imprisonment my fault, but I blame my family.  They gave me a horrible example of how to live and I ended up just like them.  But I must not dwell on that, I must think only of my present situation and how to escape my captivity. 

The guards feed me a few vegetables, bread, and water a day.  I get nothing but verbal abuse from them “You deserve your treatment” and worse.  I’m starving; I don’t know how long I can survive.  If that weren’t bad enough, I’m forced to endure torture three hours a day.  There is nowhere to sit, just a thin mattress on the floor. 

Finally, I’m eligible for release.  I’ve lost the twenty-five pounds that I signed up for.  Sure, I could have stayed at the Hilton for less, but I’m sure I would have dined on steak and had four or five drinks a night and ended up gaining weight.  With the Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan, I can finally get into last year’s pants. 

I’ve got to admit that the exercise machines were first rate, even though they were killing me. 

Appeared in Yellow Mama and the defunct Nugget Tales