Candidates'
Diaries
by Doug Hawley
October
18 – Why do people keep asking me
about my brother’s job as president. OK, he
may have made a few mistakes. Of course only an
idiot would have wanted to invade Iraq, but don’t
they expect me to have a little family loyalty?
I can’t just come out and say that.
October
19 – My hair was the number three
topic on Twitter today. What to do?
Some of the pix show a wild hair. Note to
self – more and stronger hairspray. Think
of something to make my hair number one on
Twitter. Good thing that I’m the master
of media – more twits than the other
candidates.
October
20 – More crap about me being an
elitist. Doesn’t my aide put my pants
on one leg at a time like everyone else?
October
21 – Blowback about my support of
the Iraq invasion. Doesn’t the public
know that it was popular to be against Iraq at
the time? OK, so none of the terrorists had
any connection to Iraq. OK, so there were no
weapons of mass destruction. OK, so even if
there had been weapons of mass destruction they
would have been used against Iran. OK, so Saddam
was our good buddy before he wasn’t our
buddy. OK, so we had Saddam penned in by the
no fly zones. Saddam was a bad guy and we
wanted his oil, that’s reason enough to
spend trillions, kill thousands and destroy a
country.
October
22 – Still more blowback on my
previous Iraq position. That clown Duke
Hanley says “Any sentient being would have
known attacking Iraq was a bad idea.” then
goes on to attack me personally.
October
23 – Now I’m called a flipper
because I support stringent gun control. I always
supported more gun control, but there hadn’t
been enough mass murders for me to justify my
position. Plus, my state likes guns. Why
isn’t the public blamed for being flippers?
They used to like guns, now most don’t.
October
24 – Finally some good news. My
opposition to same sex marriage is getting me
surging support amongst religious freakos. Better
not get married again before the convention, but
I really like young, beautiful Eastern Europeans.
October
25 – My support of a $25 minimum
wage isn’t getting me enough support. Got
to think of something new. Some in the press
even criticize my generosity with other people’s
money.
October
26 – I am a genius! My promise
to cap wages at $50 an hour is playing very well
with that huge segment of the public that wants
to screw the successful.
October
27 – One step forward and one step
back. My foundation meets every letter of the law.
So some of the recipients of its grants are among
my supporters. Nothing to see here but petty
jealousy.
October
28 – More press about all the money
I’m making for speeches and books. Must
do the middle class thing. Maybe somebody can
tutor me.
October
29 – Issue of the day is calling me
a carpet bagger. Why in hell would I want to
be a Senator from Arkansas or one of those other
states that don’t count? Anyway, we
bought the house in the state where I became
Senator a few weeks before the election and had
been there twice.
October
30 – Why is being a part of a
dynasty a bad thing? People didn’t get
sick of the Kennedys, and if ever there was a
dysfunctional, degenerate bunch, that was it.
October
31 – More genius. Family friendly
pix flooding the media with me and all the exes
and kids handing out treats on Halloween.
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