The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Candidates' Diaries
by Doug Hawley

October 18 – Why do people keep asking me about my brother’s job as president. OK, he may have made a few mistakes. Of course only an idiot would have wanted to invade Iraq, but don’t they expect me to have a little family loyalty?  I can’t just come out and say that.

October 19 – My hair was the number three topic on Twitter today. What to do?  Some of the pix show a wild hair. Note to self – more and stronger hairspray. Think of something to make my hair number one on Twitter. Good thing that I’m the master of media – more twits than the other candidates.

October 20 – More crap about me being an elitist. Doesn’t my aide put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else?

October 21 – Blowback about my support of the Iraq invasion. Doesn’t the public know that it was popular to be against Iraq at the time? OK, so none of the terrorists had any connection to Iraq. OK, so there were no weapons of mass destruction. OK, so even if there had been weapons of mass destruction they would have been used against Iran. OK, so Saddam was our good buddy before he wasn’t our buddy. OK, so we had Saddam penned in by the no fly zones. Saddam was a bad guy and we wanted his oil, that’s reason enough to spend trillions, kill thousands and destroy a country.

October 22 – Still more blowback on my previous Iraq position. That clown Duke Hanley says “Any sentient being would have known attacking Iraq was a bad idea.” then goes on to attack me personally.

October 23 – Now I’m called a flipper because I support stringent gun control. I always supported more gun control, but there hadn’t been enough mass murders for me to justify my position.  Plus, my state likes guns. Why isn’t the public blamed for being flippers? They used to like guns, now most don’t.

October 24 – Finally some good news. My opposition to same sex marriage is getting me surging support amongst religious freakos. Better not get married again before the convention, but I really like young, beautiful Eastern Europeans.

October 25 – My support of a $25 minimum wage isn’t getting me enough support. Got to think of something new. Some in the press even criticize my generosity with other people’s money.

October 26 – I am a genius! My promise to cap wages at $50 an hour is playing very well with that huge segment of the public that wants to screw the successful.

October 27 – One step forward and one step back. My foundation meets every letter of the law. So some of the recipients of its grants are among my supporters. Nothing to see here but petty jealousy.

October 28 – More press about all the money I’m making for speeches and books. Must do the middle class thing. Maybe somebody can tutor me.

October 29 – Issue of the day is calling me a carpet bagger. Why in hell would I want to be a Senator from Arkansas or one of those other states that don’t count? Anyway, we bought the house in the state where I became Senator a few weeks before the election and had been there twice.

October 30 – Why is being a part of a dynasty a bad thing? People didn’t get sick of the Kennedys, and if ever there was a dysfunctional, degenerate bunch, that was it.

October 31 – More genius. Family friendly pix flooding the media with me and all the exes and kids handing out treats on Halloween.