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Bumper Sticker(s)
by Gracjan Kraszewski


“You know, do you guys mind if I just chillax in the philosopher’s seat and get after some pithy wisdom a little bit here and there?” 


“Old school political incongruity. Doublespeak, mixed messaging that was the all-time hard troll endless self-burn. ‘In This Home we Do Not Hate, Never Discriminate’ was a really popular slogan of some left-leaning people a bunch of years ago. They’d have this huge poster out front in their yards with this sign and then, right below it, below the slogan there would be all these sub points listed of how they were so open and tolerant. But then they’d have on a bumper sticker something like ‘Unseat this politician now!’ So I mean it’s downright hilarious that right next to a ‘In this Home we don’t Hate’ poster was a car advertising, basically, the hatred of some person they didn’t agree with. Home has no hate here except for this guy, you can hate this guy, we really hate this guy… 

You’re driving around,” Hans continues, “and you see some ridiculous car in front of you, clog-hogging the right lane, topping out at like 29 MPH and so you’ve got time to read all the bumper stickers. Your eyes settle on one: I LOVE MY DASCHUND :). And then your eyes find the twin: PLEASE SPAY AND NUETER YOUR PETS. Really, Lady? Do you really love your dog? Is that how you show love, because if so, wow…  

Another guy is driving a gas guzzler with a different genre of bumper stickers; Be BLUE and GREEN, LOVE GRANDMOTHER EARTH, GRANDMOTHER NATURE, etc.…but, bro, your car, but bro your car tho, bro….A guy who fashioned himself a ‘militant peacemaker of tolerance’ goes to protest a group he doesn’t like claiming they traffic in hate, they’re violent thugs, they are lawless outlaws who should be jailed. This guy comes wearing a ski mask, chanting really creepy sounding slogans, and armed with some kind of pole that’s really good—and only good—for giving someone an old school out behind the shed shellacking… 

When you see a guy’s vanity license plate that reads HppLY MRRIED 3 and the instant questions are overwhelming: really, two other people got this same one made? really, the exact same configuration? Above all: are you declaring that you’re finally happily married for the third time, chance #3, but if yes then: it begs the question: should we believe you? 

When you find out the fast food product you just ate contains two and a half weeks’ worth of saturated fat in three bites but the wrapper is all about being BLUE and GREEN and Granny Nature…you’re screwed if you eat even one of these, pal. But at the same time you’re saving the Earth…. 

They won’t serve you silicon-rich, high bone density beer but will give you free refills of sugar polluted water that reverses all the good effects a pint of beer would give you…”