Better
by Doug Hawley
The
Interview Before The Pilot
“This is
Jason Atkins for ‘Divertissement Dialogue’
where we find out what’s up in entertainment. Our
guest tonight is Duke Hanley. Tell us about
your new show appearing on Fox starting June 12.”
“Thanks
for having me Jason. I had been
noticing that America’s getting tired of
nuts and sluts and excess. The ratings for
‘Jerry Sewer’, ‘Large Loser’
and ‘Keeping up with the Contagions’
have been dropping. I’m convinced that
we want to see something fresh and different. My
show is about successful people wanting that
little bit of improvement in their lives and
getting it! A guy doesn’t need to marry
his cow or lose 400 pounds to attract viewers. A
lot of people want to see a successful banker
fulfill a lifetime ambition to kayak the Columbia
River.”
“So Duke,
tell about your background. I understand
that you don’t come from a television
background.”
“That’s
right Jason. I like to think of myself as a
bit of a renaissance man. Physically, I can
bench-press 150% of my weight, I’ve
completed a few marathons and I’ve climbed
short mountains. On an intellectual level, I
got my Ph.D. in math and have now written over
fifty publications ranging from humor to sci-fi. I
think that my varied background equips me very
well to succeed in TV production.”
“Sounds
great. We look forward to the pilot and
enjoying your show for many years to come.”
Excerpt
From The Pilot
“Welcome
to the studio audience and viewers at home.
I'm your host Barney Green. Let’s
meet our first winner on ‘Get Better’,
the program that helps the successful meet even
loftier goals.”
She is Judy
Jackson. She is a forty year old
mother of three and college professor of finance. What
is your goal Judy?”
“Well
Barney, when I was first married, I had a twenty
two inch waist. After having three wonderful
children, my waist size has gone up to twenty
four. I’d like to lose those two ugly
inches.”
“Fear not
Judy. We’ve got workout guru Jesse
Jergins, who will have you whipped into shape in
no time. What’s in store for Judy,
Jesse?
“She’ll
be put on a two week regimen in which she cuts
cream out of her coffee and walks a couple of
miles every day. Based on my experience that
should be all she needs to shed the eighteen
years of neglect that resulted in her minor pudge.”
“Next up
is George Snow. He is a thirty five
year old internet multi-millionaire. What
would you like to achieve?”
“When I
was at Harvard, I concentrated on electrical
engineering and scorned the humanities. In
order to become a more rounded person, I’d
like to become a credible Shakespearean actor.”
“George,
we are ready for you. Ian Lear, star of the
London stage and acclaimed Shakespearean actor
will get you where you want to go. What’s
the plan, Ian?”
“Barney,
I talked to George before the show, and he is
overly modest about his ability in the arts. He
is already a first rate painter and writer. Further,
in order to sharpen his business skills, he was
on the college debate team, which demanded
diverse oratorical skills. I also was
surprised by his excellent memorization skills
and body control. I think that we will have
him on stage within a month.”
“Our last
winner is a multi-talented entertainer, Martin
Stevens. He acts, sings, juggles and tap
dances. He is a novelist, movie producer and
star. How you may ask, could he do more or
get any better? Tell us yourself, Martin.”
“Glad to
Barney, but first let me tell you how happy I am
to be here with you tonight Barney. How
are the wife and the kids?”
“Died in
a fire.”
“Maybe I
should just tell you what my little problem is. I
love both tap dancing and singing, but I can’t
seem to coordinate both. Somehow doing one
throws the other off. Can you help me?”
“Got you
covered. Joe Simpson, the exercise
physiologist and Jane Bulkin, the preeminent
expert on breathe control will ease your way into
being a tapping –singing idol.”
Interview
After The Pilot
“This is
Jason Atkins talking to Duke Hanley about the
worst TV disaster of all time. His new show
“Get Better” was receiving a 1% share
with an audience of 350 people when it was
cancelled 18 minutes into its hour runtime. Duke,
can you tell us what happened?”
“I sure
can. This proved that the American viewing
audience is a bunch of bleeping bleeps. I’m
done. I’m out. They can go back to
“Obese Incest” and all of their other bleepy
favorites. As soon as I’ve seen my
appearance on the Jerry Sewer show, I’m
blowing up my bleeping TV.”
"Better" appeared
in Down In The Dirt, Literally Stories after the
defunct Nugget Tales.
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