Bathroom Humor
by Steve Slavin
If you’ve frequented
men’s rooms, you may have seen the helpful
reminder just above the urinals:
Our aim is
to please,
So please aim.
Most guys do their best,
but fairly soon you might notice a few telltale
drops on the floor. You might evay to yourself,
“Nobody’s perfect.”
My friend Howard is
definitely not perfect. But he’s well
aware of his failings in this department. That’s
why he has covered the entire floor area around
his home toilet with paper towels. He’s
obviously someone who leaves nothing to chance.
I’ve never actually
been to Howard’s apartment, so what I’m
about to tell you is merely hearsay – but
from a highly reliable source. Theresa is what
you would call “honest to a fault.”
One evening, when Theresa
was visiting Howard, she asked him about the
paper towels. He explained his problem and asked
her for advice. But it quickly became evident
that Howard would not, or could not, make any
adjustments to his routine.
Howard’s aim is
actually excellent, but not when he gets up in
the middle of the night. Theresa suggested a
nightlight, but Howard replied that that would
wake him up. Perhaps he could urinate while
sitting down, but evidently that he can do
only when fully awake.
Then, there was the other
problem, for which Howard also had found a
very practical solution. Sometimes, during his
nocturnal trips to the bathroom, he managed to
urinate on the toilet seat. No problem. The next
morning, he would just wipe it off with a towel.
Theresa, trusting soul that
she is, told me all of this in the strictest of
confidence. Obviously her trust was misplaced. I
am, after all, a known prankster and gossip.
A few days later she got a
priority mail package and called me immediately
She was furious! “You may have
thought that was very funny, but it wasn’t!”
Here’s what I’d
put into the package: a pile of paper towels, a
face towel, a pink plastic water pistol, and a
note.
“Why are you so mad?”
“Don’t you
remember how afraid I am of guns?”
“Theresa, you thought
that was a gun?”
“Well, at first, yeah.”“OK,
now read me the note.”
“What note?”
“It’s in the box.
Maybe it’s mixed in with the paper towels.”
“Oh, I’ve got it.”
“Theresa, go ahead and
read it to me.”
“OK, it says, ‘If
just washed your face in Howard’s bathroom
and someone said you had to dry it with either
some paper towels or a face towel, which one
would you use?’”
“I’d shoot myself!”
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