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Bathroom Humor
by Steve Slavin

If you’ve frequented men’s rooms, you may have seen the helpful reminder just above the urinals:

Our aim is to please,
So please aim.

Most guys do their best, but fairly soon you might notice a few telltale drops on the floor. You might evay to yourself, “Nobody’s perfect.”

My friend Howard is definitely not perfect. But he’s well aware of his failings in this department. That’s why he has covered the entire floor area around his home toilet with paper towels. He’s obviously someone who leaves nothing to chance.

I’ve never actually been to Howard’s apartment, so what I’m about to tell you is merely hearsay – but from a highly reliable source. Theresa is what you would call “honest to a fault.”

One evening, when Theresa was visiting Howard, she asked him about the paper towels. He explained his problem and asked her for advice. But it quickly became evident that Howard would not, or could not, make any adjustments to his routine.

Howard’s aim is actually excellent, but not when he gets up in the middle of the night. Theresa suggested a nightlight, but Howard replied that that would wake him up. Perhaps he could urinate while sitting down, but evidently that he can do only when fully awake.

Then, there was the other problem, for which Howard also had found a very practical solution. Sometimes, during his nocturnal trips to the bathroom, he managed to urinate on the toilet seat. No problem. The next morning, he would just wipe it off with a towel.

Theresa, trusting soul that she is, told me all of this in the strictest of confidence. Obviously her trust was misplaced. I am, after all, a known prankster and gossip.

A few days later she got a priority mail package and called me immediately She was furious! “You may have thought that was very funny, but it wasn’t!”

Here’s what I’d put into the package: a pile of paper towels, a face towel, a pink plastic water pistol, and a note.

“Why are you so mad?”

“Don’t you remember how afraid I am of guns?”

“Theresa, you thought that was a gun?”

“Well, at first, yeah.”“OK, now read me the note.”

“What note?”

“It’s in the box. Maybe it’s mixed in with the paper towels.”

“Oh, I’ve got it.”

“Theresa, go ahead and read it to me.”

“OK, it says, ‘If just washed your face in Howard’s bathroom and someone said you had to dry it with either some paper towels or a face towel, which one would you use?’”

“I’d shoot myself!”