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A Saturday Night Abduction
by Lily Murphy

Bud Sweeney was a rare one. Not originally from Cork city, Bud came from the midlands many years ago and married a seamstress from Greenmount, but he quickly became a fixed face in the many pubs dotted up and down Barrack Street.

As I already stated, Bud Sweeney was a rare one and now let me entertain you with just one of the many tales about him.

One Septembers day some years ago, the rain was punishing the street outside while a grand blast of heat came from the small hearth in Tom Barry’s pub.

Myself and my drinking companions sipped away in the warm confines of the pub and it being Monday evening the place was quite. The only buzz was coming from outside as cars and pedestrians rushed up and down Barrack street on their way home from work, school, college and all such places alike.

As the rain hit hard on anyone unfortunate enough to be caught out under it, a small paunchy figure appeared in the doorway of the pub, it was Bud Sweeney.

In came Bud all sour looking with the rain that had spat it’s load on him and he immediately made his way to our table when he spotted us with his tired blue eyes.

He passed the bar and I knew that Bud had something very grave to tell us, for surely he would not have passed the bar otherwise.

‘Hello Bud, you look very serious this Monday evening!’

I greeted him as he sat his drenched frame on a stool at our rickety old table.

‘Oh I have an unbelievable story to tell you all’ he said in a very low tone.

‘I’m sure you do’ said the ancient Mrs Crotty from across the table.

‘Sure you weren’t seen at all yesterday’ she remarked while bringing her glass of stout near to her old narrow mouth.

‘Well I must tell you all the reason why.’

And so Bud set about telling the tale of his Saturday night abduction.

He took a deep breath before launching into his bizarre tale:

‘Well it was Saturday evening and after my dinner I was going to spend the rest of my Saturday on the couch watching TV, but instead of doing that I decided to go out for some postprandial drinks.

So off I sauntered down to the Southside Inn as I only had one and two pints of stout in mind.

I had two pints there but I soon found myself in buoyant mood with some good company and sure you know drinking is like the world of the dead, there is always room for more!

So my two pints of stout were doubled and trebled and by midnight I had well over quadruple that.

When the time came for last call I had my throat nearly worn out singing songs, some out of tune others I just didn’t know the words to but by an hour or so after midnight the barman had no other choice but forcibly exit me out of the public house, but he got some fine festering curses in his ear for doing so.

As I staggered and stumbled my way up the road going home, I heard something coming from behind me. It was a low purring noise coming nearer and nearer so I swung myself around to plant my eyes on what it was but instead my eyes were blinded by two bright lights.

The next thing that happened was the appearance of two big figures who handled me in the most discourteous manner and before I knew what was happening to me I had found myself locked into a room.

Oh it was a cold place all grey and gloomy and I thought to myself that this is it, I‘m done for! I thought what would the wife at home be thinking!? She would probably think that I had run off when in fact I had been abducted while I was making my drunk walk home to her.

Yes my friends I was abducted by these strong characters and believe me they were strong because I tried putting up a fight but alas with me being so over the top intoxicated I had no hope against them.

So anyway I panned my body out on the floor of this room because I had destroyed myself with tiredness as I howled and kicked at the door for what seemed hours without end.

Some time later I was awoken by the big steel door that swung open and I was told to get out. By then I had the most horrendous hangover tearing shreds out of my mind and not to mention tearing shreds out of my stomach but by noon on Sunday I had eventually made it home where the wife tore strips out of me, worse than any horrible hangover let me tell you!’

Bud finished his story which had us all sitting in stunned silence until I spoke up.

‘So Bud, are you telling us that aliens abducted you on Saturday night and took you aboard their space ship??’

Bud who was still wearing a very serious expression on his face shook his head.

‘Aliens?? Ah Christ, no not all! It was the law that picked me up and flung me into a cell to sober up!’

So as I already told you, Bud Sweeney was a rare one indeed.