Amphibian From
Another World
by Doug Hawley
When an
Antarctic scientist uncovered an alien space ship
while digging for a latrine, he sent for the best
crypto-biologists, archaeologists and astronomers
to come to the Antarctic base. After
the local Antarctic scientists were assembled,
they entered the ship which had unrecognizable
instruments and made weird sounds like those of a
Theremin. They quickly discovered
something encased in ice, which they hauled off
to their camp.
Twenty-four hours later, the scientists from
around the world had reached the camp, ready to
see about the find. Geraldine Qwen
from Canada had already determined that the ice
was roughly 10 years old. The archaeological team
then chipped away at the ice, revealing what
appeared to be a three meter long salamander with
a half meter penis and what appeared to be a
human-like mouth.
Somebody said “That is the ugliest and
biggest thing of its kind I’ve ever seen.”
The sort of amphibian responded “That’s
what she said” followed by gasps and other
expressions of shock from the group. The
amphibian then said “Was that wrong? How
about ‘What’s up, Yo Mama or Who Dat?’”
An Einstein clone amongst the scientists asked
“We were, ahem, expecting a different level
of intelligence from our first interstellar
visitor and maybe some superpowers like shape
shifting or being able to withstand nuclear
attack.”
“About that. This whole enchilada
was planned by our overlords on planet Ineque. They
got me to agree with their plans by holding my
534 surviving larvae hostage. I was
educated in earth ways by viewing reruns of your
sitcoms, movies from Japan and reality shows. According
to the overlords my intelligence is below that of
a dolphin, but above that of a ‘reality star’. To
sweeten the algae, they said I could get some
action from giant Chinese salamanders.”
“So what were you to do for the overlords?”
“The idea was to land in Japan, but that
seems to have gone wrong.”
“You missed.”
“I was to find out if the monsters
inhabiting Japan were too tough for a successful
invasion of Earth by the overlords.”
“You mean the ones like Godzilla, Gamera and
Rodan?”
“That’s right.”
The fat scientist in the Hulk and Spiderman shirt
who had been jumping up and down trying to ask a
question got his turn. “What
about super powers? What happens if
you are exposed to radiation or bitten by a
radioactive spider?”
“They tried me exposing to radioactivity
back on Ineque, the bastards. I turned
brown and my skin cracked. It hurt
like hell. The only spiders I know
about are the ones from your movies. I
would avoid them like the plague.”
“So no superpowers?”
“You try traveling in an uncomfortable space
ship for years and then being frozen for more
years and come back as good as ever.”
Lead scientist Sapphire (no relation) Hendrix
motioned the group to huddle up. After
some whispering they addressed the sort of
salamander “I think we’ve got a deal
that you will like. We can introduce
you to some really sexy Chinese salamanders, if
you will tell your overlords that the Japanese
monsters would definitely defeat the forces of
Ineque."
“Deal. I hate those guys, and so
far I like this world much better.”
Qwen whispered to Hendrix “What happens when
our interstellar amphibian discovers our
salamanders don’t do sex like he thinks? He
won’t like being a dateless wonder on this
planet.”
“I don’t know, but this saves the earth
from annihilation for a little while at least. I’d
call that a win.”
Inspired
by the movie "The Thing". A slightly
longer version appeared in Synchronized Chaos.
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