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Americans Shocked: 'Is the Pope a Capitalist?'
by Wallace Runnymede

Millions of Americans were shocked recently to hear Russia Today's Max Keiser slam Pope Francis about the latter's economic views.

Is this guy for real? He wants to increase welfare, increase environmental regulation, make all these unaccountable global institutions to tell people where they can trade, when they trade, under what conditions? I mean, is he actually for real? That's not capitalism!

A confidential Vatican source named after an obscure mendicant friar and saint from medieval Italy seemed bemused when I spoke with him.

Not a capitalist? Well, I should think so, yes! I mean, where on earth has Max Keiser been for the past 2000 years? 

I assume not a Church! Well, not a proper one, anyway, otherwise he would certainly have found out that the first ecumenical council in history actually specifically banned 'interest,' or if you will, 'usury.' 

And do Max and others who criticise me really think that our church has ever been devoted to laissez-faire or otherwise strongly free-market ideas? If our critics would just open a history book, they would surely see that in medieval Europe, where our influence on the government was considerably stronger, there was not a peep of Victorian social Darwinism, or indeed any kind of latter day Washington Consensus on free trade!

Millions of Americans are horrified at this completely unexpected revelation.

One oil CEO told me, sitting in his $5 000 leather 'comfy chair' and thumbing through his priceless collection of Tang Dynasty coins and Tokugawa Japan jewellery artifacts:

I am just really depressed about this. I genuinely thought Pope Francis was one of us, just a regular guy like me and all my buddies in Wall Street. But now it turns out it's not the case! This guy, you know what? He must be some kind of spiritual elitist or something. 

Well, I've just had it! I'm just about done with God by now. If someone like Pope Francis can get to the top of the Catholic Church, there must be something very seriously wrong in this world.