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A Festive Kind of Drunk
by Lily Murphy

Christmas! It’s that time of year when you are given a license to eat and drink all around you. A time of year for jolly get-togethers where excessive amounts of turkey and mince pies are washed down with an equally excessive amount of booze.

Over the years I have avoided falling drunkenly into the Christmas tree but others have not been so lucky!

For many years it was a guarantee that my father would fall victim to tripping into the Christmas tree. One year my mother decided to combat this infliction which harassed my father every December and she erected an electric fence around the tree. It worked so well that she erected another electric fence around the drinks cabinet!

One year, myself and my friend found ourselves in the company of 3 friends from Dublin who arrived in our town in search of some festive merriment. I took them on a tour of some bars where we toasted Santa and all of his reindeers. By closing time we had our fill of festive cheer and I was guiding them back to my place to wind down with some mulled punch. We had been out all night and the dawn was upon us as we trudged along up the street and the moon was still in the sky but my friend suggested it was the sun.

‘It’s not the sun, it’s the moon!’ I informed her.

‘How can it be the moon, sure it’s now morning! I’m telling you it’s the sun!’

So this argument went on and on until I turned to my three companions from Dublin and I asked them, ‘can you settle a dispute here and tell us if that’s the sun or the moon up there?’

One of them shook his head with a confused expression etched across his inebriated face, ‘I’m sorry I wouldn’t know, I’m not from around here!’

Well I now understand why Jesus wasn’t born in Dublin, they couldn’t find any three wise men there!

Pets can also cause havoc during the festive period. One Christmas Eve while my parents were entertaining some neighbours in the sitting room with mulled wine and wild whiskey, they failed to notice the dog sneak into the kitchen and attack the turkey that was sitting near the sink defrosting, waiting on death row for its final trip to the oven the following day. The dog made off with the bird and had a jolly good time with it out in the snow blanketed garden. But it could have been worse, he could have broken through the electric fence which guarded the drinks cabinet!