You See Why I
Couldn’t Stand Her and Puked My Guts Out Or,
Who Needs Excessive Introspection
by George
Sparling
Dearest (?)
Ben,
Types of
Environment. Our interactions have occurred in
and states (mental/physical) as well (fatigue,
intoxication, anger) short spurts and/or
incomplete conversations).
Openness
seemingly decreased significantly and you said
you are open to as many convos and yet I have
felt as though at times granted timing has been
poor (understated): It’s felt like pulling
teeth to get you to discuss “us” or
answer some questions/address concerns.
Fear: That,
even though I arrived to find you believing/feeling
otherwise, after my processing doubt/anger and
the haphazard manner in which all this has been
addressed/attempted to be worked out that you are
still emotionally tapped out. That typical
emotional convos processing are going to or
already are triggering your learned shut-down
button and you don’t truly have the
emotional energy and looking at this/me anew
enough to do this.
Doubt/anger/hurt
aside, relationships take copious amounts of
energy, communication, and the willingness to do
it, w/giving the benefit of the doubt and
willingness to compromise/seek positive/creative
solutions to issues. Address the other’s
concerns with love/patience as well as have the
courage and compassion to share your own/them.
I am afraid
that intense love and gratitude/appreciation for
me/us is gone and that’s the last thing I
want. We never took the time, and now we have
committed titles for one another w/out having had
a well-rested, calm check in again after the
chaotic Sunday convos.
I feel
unsettled because of that/these fears and would
like to feel safe enough to talk to you about
them lovingly w//out you judging me for being
ridiculous and blowing things out of proportion (making
things a big deal).
I am sorry
your last relationship consisted of numerous
exhausting, emotionally charged conversations
that left you drained, confused and unsatisfied.
But I also don’t think it’s fair that I
now feel hesitant to approach you with wanting/needing
to discuss things that you previously stated you
understood needed to happen and are open/willing
to have them, because I somehow get put into the
same ridiculous/exhausting box. And you may not
be aware that you do it but you do.
This
isn’t a new observation and it’s still
very much a valid concern and what prompted me to
question so many things that you said you want to
do, and that I know working this out will require.
I don’t
think we can w/out both feeling as though we are
safe enough w/out the other and they are open
enough to hear us out.
I heard your
concerns regarding my communication/reactions to
you when you are trying to share/open up.
I want to work
on shifting that behavior so you can feel safer
talking to me as well as truly feeling heard.
Love (?),
Elizabeth
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