The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Words of Wisdom, II
by Janice Canerdy

My  muse just slapped me upside the head with a brilliant, challenging idea. I know if I don't write now, unreliable Musie will leave me as he/she/it (undetermined-- a shape shifter?) has done so often in the past. Profuse, rapid-fire details are flooding my mind. Today's topic is (drumroll) "How to Tell When It's Time to Mow Your Yard." Oh, Im sure you've heard the same thing I've always heard: "When the yard is a bit ragged and no longer pleasing to the eye, it's time!" To that, I say "Baloney!" HERE's how you can tell:

(1) The cops are combing the area searching for a gang of home invaders who enter back windows or doors in broad daylight. All your neighbors have been victimized, but not you. Strange, faint whisperings--"Where you at, Louie? . . . "Cant find the #*&% back of the house!" . . . "Something's wrappin'  around my leg!"--have been emanating from your back yard. Time to mow--after you call the police.

(2) The "condemned" sign in your front yard is obscured by grass. Condemned?  How long has that thing been there? What will those mischievous kids next door do next? You  don't want to move.

(3) Grandma went out back yesterday to get the cat. (For pity's sake, how long does it take to fetch a cat?) You wonder if you're losing your mind when you think you hear "Help!" . . . "Meow!" Time to  mow, after you rescue them, of course.

(4) The stingiest, meanest curmudgeon in the neighborhood drives up on a brand-new, expensive mower and says, "Hey! It's suddenly occurred that I haven't done a good deed in--well, since was a Boy Scout forty years ago. I'd like to offer you the use of my new mower, provided you agree to borrow it regularly, starting NOW!"

(5) When you make your daughter the magnanimous offer to have her wedding at the house because  funds are very limited, her eyes get really big and she says, "Gosh, Dad, that's really sweet of you, but Ted and I have already decided to have the ceremony at the fair- grounds rodeo arena. There's no charge, the  smell of horse poop is hardly noticeable, and there's no tall grass there that little kids might get lost in.

(6) You've begun to wonder why you haven't received any mail for two weeks. When you call the post office to enquire, you find out your mail is being held until they can decide what to do with it. The mailman couldn't find your box and couldn't get you on the phone. He thinks you're missing and has filed a report with the police. (Hmmm, why they haven't checked on you, you wonder)

(7) The police knock on your door--they're exhausted after fighting their way through the grass using swingblades--to question you about a missing Avon lady. A neighbor saw her approaching your place day before yesterday, and no one's seen her since. You express concern for this woman you've never seen. The police demand that you mow your yard--after they comb it carefully for any missing persons.

(8) A surefire way to tell is--Aw, shucks! Musie just vamoosed again, the slippery little dickens. No telling how long he/she/it will be gone this time. Now let's get out there, mow those lawns, and make our neighbors proud to say they know us! Those that are thinking about moving might decide to stay after their property values get back to normal.