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Words of Wisdom
by Janice Canerdy

One of the most probing, heart-wrenching questions mankind must grapple with is "How can I tell when it's time to change my glasses?" Being benevolent by nature and possessing much knowledge on this timeless, universal topic, I'd like to impart just a tiny bit of my wisdom to you. I do not wish to overwhelm you with an onslaught of complex philosophy; therefore, I shall limit my points to ten. Mind you, I was not  a part of any of these scenarios; I gathered this information from conversations with embarrassed, distraught friends.

You know it's time for new glasses when . . .

(1)  the short, emaciated, big-headed guy you see at a distance turns out to be a mailbox

(2)  your friend says, "Oh, look at  the huge, beautiful mural on the side of that building," and you respond, "What building?"

(3)  you're just about to enjoy a big juicy orange and your little boy says, "Can I have my ball back?"

(4)  the cell phone in your pocket doesn't ring all day at work because it's really the wireless mouse (the kids are at home running up a big bill on your phone)

(5)  you get stung repeatedly because the can you selected from the cabinet contains air freshener, not hornet spray

(6)  the guy walking ahead of you at the mall, to whom you yell, "Hey, George, you sorry old devil" is not George but your father-in-law, who has never liked you because he thinks you're an idiot

(7)  you overhear people at the picnic whispering about you for bringing hot taco sauce for the hotdogs (they prefer ketchup)

(8)  while flipping through the channels, you're mortified to see Grandma on tv talking, with a foreign accent, about  sex (someone who CAN see assures you it's Dr. Ruth)

(9)  you sit red-faced through Sunday School hoping no one saw you hide the Finger Hut catalogue, which looks similar to your Sunday School book

(10)  you have to ask a kid on the sidewalk to read a sign, which says, much to your chagrin, "Remember, kids, never talk to strangers."

Sharing this timely information with you engenders deep in my heart a sense of civic pride. I wanted to write this last week, but I couldn't find my glasses.