Woman Spots Mold
on New Tampon
by Joe Malone
If an ice
shelf the size of Texas breaks off the continent
of Antarctica and floats away to melt in the sea,
it will not directly affect my day, at least
until sea level rises high enough to flood my
neighborhood. That sort of global-warming
consequence doesn't trouble me. If all the polar
bears disappear tomorrow, I don't care. I rarely
hunt bears, on foot or from a helicopter with a
high-powered rifle. I never go to the zoo. They
say that when you get the kids every other
weekend, you should take them to the zoo, but I've
never done so. My favorite bar lets me park my
children in an empty poker room as long as they
keep quiet, so I just take them there.
warming vis a vis tampons is another matter. When
warmth-loving molds and fungi and viruses begin
to invade my personal space, it's time to take
action. I don't personally use tampons, except
perhaps occasionally on my "strange"
days, but if mold can go there, what's to stop it
from showing up on, for example, my doobies?
molds reproduce more quickly than we do, and I'm
not just complaining here about the lack of
action in my life. Molds evolve quicker. That's
why a mold has already learned how to eat a
tampon. Humans have evolved to the point of
eating at McDonald's, true, but McDonald's is not
I don't want
to live in a world where I have to compete with
an evolved mold for my job. I'm already losing
out to our neighbors to the south. I might never
work again. Say, could that be an upside to this
if molds can learn to eat a tampon, why can't
they learn to eat the tamponee, or tamponess? I
don't wear underpants, but if I did, couldn't the
mold move in there and stage itself for an attack?
I'm freaking myself out here.
My buddy tells
me that there are molds that can talk. I think
that's what he said. How is that even possible? I
guess molds must have mouths or how could they
eat? But how tiny those mouths must be. When they
talk, you'd be lucky to hear even a squeak. Plus,
once you pull the tampon, I'm not wanting to hear
the mold's comments. Or get my ear near it,
Why can the
mold feel the global warming and I can't, anyway?
I've been spending my nights in the car and it's
cold out there. They say that there are more
tornadoes, or is it hurricanes, but all I'm
seeing is rain. Cold rain. Cold rain and mold
growing on everything.