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Two Rants
by M. V. Montgomery


Don’t tell me I’m modest—don’t I know it!

Believe you me, I sit around all day eating the humble pie; no one can eat more of that particularly tasteless confection than myself. I’m such a middlebrow I can barely manage a frown; so completely middle-of-the-road. I actually present a danger to passing traffic. Most certainly, if I ever visited an old mill, I’d be given the complete run of the place. Photographers are known to have given me a refund due to my frustratingly low profile. And Aristotle must’ve had me specifically in mind when he said, moderation in all things. A fine motto for one’s life, if you ask me. Then again, no one asks me, because why take time to consider the uninspired opinions of an average Joe? Of a safe guesser, a conventional thinker, a diligent follower of the party line. Uriah Heep only pretended to humbleness; yours truly is the real deal. Yes, if humility truly is a Christian virtue, surely someday I’ll be eligible for sainthood.


Oh, aren’t you just chock full o’ nuts today!

Yes–you have that look of a person who’s spent time in a facility that processes nuts. Clearly you didn’t fall too far from the tree. Why, I can just picture you sitting up in that theater gallery, coming out of your shell, cracking jokes with that salty wit of yours. Because those squirrels got nuttin’ on you. Neither do fruitcakes. Well, now—aren’t you just being the tough one to crack today! C’mon, don’t make me use a sledgehammer! And so my fellow citizens of the world: ask nut what your country can do for you—ask nut you can do for your country. Maybe that one will cause you to bust a gut, if not an actual nut? Actually, it’s me who’s up here bustin’ a nut for you, and if that happens, alas my sweet, no more a-nutting can we go.