The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Wiki Dream Interpreter
by M. V. Montgomery

Client: During our training for the world soccer tournament, Coach insisted on all of us getting a good night’s sleep and laid down strict rules: no alcohol, no club parties, and no women. The first week, I had the strangest dream. We were playing against another team clothed in burkas and the players would tackle us whether we had the ball or not. Over subsequent nights, this competition grew more intense. Opposing players began grabbing at us, even pulling us to the ground and mounting us. In one dream, two months into the harsh training regimen, the player astride me pulled aside the veil to reveal the face of a well-known swimsuit model. The gown this woman wore slid partway open, revealing a pair of ripe, pendulant breasts. She then pressed her half-clothed body against mine; and in that moment, I . . . [Content Deleted].

Wiki Dream Interpreter: Fundamentally this is a dream about sports; which, as any online dictionary will tell you, is really about personal “goal”-setting (this may manifest itself literally, in a dream about soccer). The facial coverings of opposing players suggest the “veiling” of a personal issue you must confront and a certain degree of self-denial on your part regarding the importance of pursuing your objectives. I sense you’re uncertain about this? Consider the dream a rallying cry to strip the mask off your present situation, to ask yourself the questions, “Who am I?” and, “What goals do I wish to achieve?”

Client: Sir, I took your advice and joined the zendo to get in touch with my inner self. But during periods of extreme fasting, I started obsessing over food. I was assured this was quite natural, but my cravings grew unbearable and haunted my sleep. I’d find myself transported back to my childhood home during a holiday feast, sometimes with the zen master himself sitting silently by, neither approving nor disapproving. Then came a dream in which he attempted to interpose himself between the banquet table and me. So I morphed into this huge gaping maw of a mouth and ate him, too.

Wiki Dream Interpreter: The presence of “comfort food” suggests a desire to return home, perhaps all the way back to the mother/master. In this context, your use of the word “maw” must be considered a pun. Cannibalism, however, always represents a destructive or forbidden desire, and in combination with other associations, suggests a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with your mother. There must be emotional issues which have gone unresolved for too long, which have left you feeling “starved”? Regard this dream as a clarion call to confront your mother, to stand up for yourself and insist, “Love me. Care for me. Feed my emotional needs.”

Client: Sir, I have a question from my mother. Ever since I’ve moved back home, she’s been having her own dream in which she’s pregnant again (my mother is in her sixties and post-menopausal, so this is impossible) and the fetus has grown so big she has to lie on her back, not inside the house, but outside, for fear her abdomen could burst through the roof. She’s embarrassed to be put on display in this manner in front of her neighbors, who aren’t hesitant to query about her naked belly.

Wiki Dream Interpreter: Clearly, your mother fears she is going to be “exposed” to others, probably for a situation or state-of-affairs she wishes to keep hidden, or strictly among household “insiders.” Do you have any idea what this shameful circumstance might be?

Client: Gosh, no. I’ve only been living at my mother’s place for six months but can’t imagine her harboring any secrets.

Wiki Dream Interpreter: A “secret” is not necessarily a bad thing: according to leading online dictionaries, it may symbolize power, or perhaps an emergent subconscious realization that while there’s an unpleasant problem to face, one possesses the inner reserves to do so. Tell your mother to take this dream as a call to arms to expel the noxious influence from her life.

Client: That’s great news, thanks!

Wiki Dream Interpreter: You’re most welcome.

Client: May I ask you about my own dream, sir? Lately I’ve been hanging out at Starbucks when I’ve promised my mother I’ll be out looking for work. I’ll spend most of the day sipping coffee because I don’t wish to return to more criticism. I’ll be sitting in one of those plush chairs with my laptop and start to nod off. Soon I find myself transported back to ancient times, where I’m seated on a bench in a plaza next to a reflecting pool. Fountains gush from classical statues. One figure intrigues me: its stony countenance eerily resembles my own, and as I listen to the water trickling out below, I receive a lasting impression of contentment and peace. The position of the arms is also most striking: the one on the left hangs downward, like the David’s; the one on the right is held akimbo, forming a kind of loop. From my vantage, the shape seems to spell out the letter “P.” Please, could you tell me what this means?

Wiki Dream Interpreter: It means you have to pee.