The Tragedy of
by Joe Malone
Chen Xitong (not
the ex-mayor of Beijing) is a multi-billionaire
who took up residence in lawless Somalia fifteen
years ago. An eccentric who was constantly
running into trouble with Asian authorities in
spite of his great wealth, Chen elected to find a
spot in the world where he could build a personal
enclave subject to his own personal rule and the
rule of no others.
Once there, he
married his long-time love, a female chimpanzee
he had named Zhang Manyu, after the beautiful
Hong Kong actress.
In due course,
Zhang became pregnant, presumably at the hands (so
to speak) of her chimpanzee manservant Bo Xilai (not
the mayor of Chongqing). Chen Xitong, we know now,
then traveled to a rogue state in northern Asia
and there arranged to pay one billion dollars to
the government to have portions of his DNA spiced
into Zhang's blastocyst.
was accomplished and the baby was born. At first
Chen was delighted. Since he was hardly taller
than Zhang, the child was born naturally, with no
need for a Caesarian delivery. Chen named the
little girl Zhange Ziyi, after one of the Four
Young Dan actresses in the Chinese film industry.
The little one
had a yellow cast to her monkey skin. Her eyes
had the epicanthic fold. By the age of six months
(maturing rapidly, chimp-fashion), she could
speak like a disabled human three-year-old. She
was pretty good with math and the violin, too.
Where is the
tragedy in this? you ask. The trouble began when
Chen suddenly realized that his daughter looked
more Korean than Chinese. Could her DNA have come,
in fact, from the frozen supply of Dear Leader
sperm, or from one of the country's 24 million
starving denizens? Chen flew to Korea and
demanded his billion back. He was given no
satisfaction. In anger, he canceled his order for
four hydrogen bombs.
Zhang had no interest in any of this, of course,
being an ape. (A "dirty ape," according
to her Somali maidservant, who was charged with
picking up her dung around the house all day.)
When Chen got
home, he canceled his daughter's violin lessons,
upsetting the professor who flew in from Paris
three times a week. Chen fired the little girl's
math tutor, who, as a matter of fact, was getting
rather too friendly with the little tyke anyway.
Zhang Ziyi is fourteen now. Rebellious. Has all
the Planet of the Apes movies hidden under her
bed. Fools around with a gibbon she met at the
zoo. Has stated publicly that she's black enough
to be all ape. Her grandmother (the human one)
has not given up on her. Gifts her with presents
from Elsa Schiaparelli and Roy Halston
Frowick at every opportunity. Visits the girl's
Facebook page and embarrasses her there with
expressions of affection.
disillusioned, has divorced Zhang Manyu and
impulsively married a spider monkey named Gao
Yuanyuan, formerly one of his many concubines.
Her agility is unparallelled.