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The Man Who Ate Himself
by Delo White

Armbruster Flipsmeoff had a hunger but not like normal salivating cut-me-up meat eaters and others with a proclivity towards store-bought food. What Armbruster wanted most was to partake of the rich, bold, fully blood-drenching meat that was attached to his bones.

“I find you left leg to be most becoming and full of that wondrous, fleshy, meaty aroma. Good and grilled in a lovely, smoky, hickory-flavored sauce, I will slowly chew you with much zeal and zest until you are bone and even then I’ll fight the cat over the bone for pussy likes a good row.”

Oddly enough few people found Armbruster normal and quaint. Most of the time he had to hold his head on with a steel flyswatter as his magnetic legs attached themselves to passing vehicles which served the purpose of saving him the costs of transportation and mineral membrane toxic waste sludge. But it was his weird eating habit that most disgusted people. He often ordered bloody fried turtle wings with splintered toenails owned by Mr. Crackinthehead down the street, who was twice as disgusting and laughed maniacally while disrobing in public to the tune of “Berate me not for I have a horrible, odorous, foot fungus that I often lick with glee that causes pretty unreal colors to appear next to the dead dog’s flea.”

So back to the decrapitation of his magnetic left leg. Armbruster, who by the way was not human but the dumbest twit from the left armpit of an eggroll called Whoops! I’m Sorry, zapped it off, basted it in his specially-prepared sauce with just the right magical manure and promptly tossed it on the grill for 13.3 miles. Hopping on his right leg, he sat in the middle of the heavily-trafficked road and ate with the fortitude of a heavily wigged-out lion pecker until he was run over by a malicious tenderizer. This indeed served his further hunger by tenderizing other body meat products.

Body part by body part quickly was removed, grilled, and tenderized by the same process. People were astounded by his hastily disappearing form and much grieved the state of cooking and eating. Surely self consumption would not catch on but alas Armbruster promoted the hell out of the art by giving lectures to those with weird names and wooly moles. However he did not benefit by it all for what can a head with no body do with riches? 

He ended it all by blowing the biggest bubble from a single wad of bubble gum shoved into his mouth by a passing, obnoxious, pastrami-eating comedian, with no redeemable value save his ability to become a pretty red balloon that over time deflated in value. Armbruster promptly suffocated from lack of nitroglycerin and clean pores when he couldn’t remove the bubble covering his face. Still he lives on in the annals of self consumption and deep water sponge tickling.