The Label
Collector
by Chris Storn
Having
previously considered myself a completely
‘normal’ person (whatever that is),
following a single visit to the doctor I
immediately, inadvertently, became a collector of
labels. My collection was started on that very
day with my first label – depression.
Being the
inquisitive sort of person I am, I set out to
understand what this label meant and where it may
have come from and so embarked on a veritable
label treasure hunt.
Well, what a
can of worms that was. I have since concluded
that reading books and Googling (is that even a
word?) can certainly swell the size of your
collection very quickly and it’s hard to
slow the process down.
I managed to
acquire quite a number of new labels for my
collection in a very short space of time, most of
which were not mine to collect as I had stolen (temporarily
borrowed may be a more apt description) them
through a process of self-diagnosis. These
included, but are not limited to Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar
Disorder, Anxiety, Insomnia, Psychosis and
Pregnancy.
Self-diagnosis
is a wonderful thing, especially where label
collecting is concerned, as it’s very easy
to be very good at it and I soon became a black
belt. In fact I was well ahead of everyone else I
knew. Sometimes I even struggled to remember all
of the things I had diagnosed myself with. I
liken it to when I first passed my driving test
at the age of 17 and became a ‘boy-racer’
overnight; I raced everyone I could on the road
and pretty much always won. What I realised as I
grew up was that I was the only one in the race.
Damn.
But this was
different, I realised that when I told people
about my collection, they were often so impressed
by the sheer size of it, they simply had to
rapidly move away from me in complete awe. I
didn’t find this to be ideal when trying to
break the ice or strike up a conversation. In
fact, it was a little annoying, it’s not as
though I judged them negatively for having an
inferior collection to mine.
It was this
realisation that I was clearly at the top of my
game that highlighted to me that I needed another
hobby. This label collecting malarkey could get
me no further. So instead, I have taken to
exaggerating the truth. To date, I am winning
that too.
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