The Dick Big
(Translation: Dick Big in Shorts)
not sure the shorts were a good idea, Dick
said Barney the Stoat, swivelling his nose in
that endearing way he always had when he wanted
to make onlookers feel sick.
you say that Barney? Its bound to be hot in
Madame Codpiece-Scrubbers Chinese Laundry.
Dick looked around but Barney had disappeared in
the low hanging steam of the Turkish bath that
was the afore-mentioned ladys Laundry.
dont have the Dick for it, legs.
Barney did another swift swivel. I mean,
you dont have the...
the idea Barney. But my mum said that my legs
would even look good on her ironing board.
Dick groped through the steam and clutched
said whatever it was that was soft. For a
chat-up line that was very brief continued
the unpleasantly female Franco-Turkish-Chinese
accent with a touch of Killarney.
you Barney? whispered Dick into the solid
wall of smog.
my Dick, what? Barney thought for second.
I mean Was that my what, Dick?
They looked up
at the Chinaman hanging from the ceiling.
shouted Dick. You have a Chinaman hanging
from the ceiling.
youre fast in the brain department too!
said the disembodied voice of Madame Codpiece-Scrubber.
But we know about the Chinaman hanging from
the ceiling. He thinks hes a light bulb.
They all do. They take it in turns to hang from
will never do. Chinese light bulbs dont
last five minutes. Its completely against
Health and Safety regs said Dick, thumbing
through the thirty-third volume of the
Regulations. You must cut him down.
shouted the (thankfully invisible) Madame.
You would have us work in the dark!
cant even see the floor in here, Dick
said Barney, Ill switch the light on.
said the Chinaman, Im not that crazy!
But it was too
late. Barney had switched him on. He didnt
Dick Big and
Barney mused for a second in the darkness.
probably just run out of warranty said Dick.
The word Martian can be interpolated
freely in place of Chinaman, for
those of a racially hypersensitive disposition.
Unfortunately there are few Martians working in
Come to think
of it, you dont hear of many German,
Icelandic, Jewish, Jack Russell, Bertrand Russell,
Swiss, Roboid-Terminator-esque Laundries either.
But that doesnt that these people are all
Stay tuned to
this channel for more of the rivetingly boring
exploits of Dick Big and Barney the Stoat.