The Comedian's
Notebook IX
by M. V.
Montgomery
A storm is when a cold
front crashes into a warm front. And a tornado is
when a weather front crashes into a store front.
“I told you, if you’re
ever going to get better, it’s going to take
real commitment,” the psychologist said to
me. “And I told you, I’m never going
back to that place again,” I replied.
Anyone who wears a t-shirt
with a famous quotation is literally taking
thought for his raiment.
Question: Where did Hugh
Downs, Bob Clayton, Ed McMahon, and Jack Barry
get sent on summer vacation? Answer: To Concentration
Camp.
Not sure which of these
words is truly the scariest: “massacre,”
“chainsaw,” or “Texas”?
I had to shut off La La
Land when the characters stepped out of
their cars and started dancing on the tops and
hoods. Not with today’s vehicles, can you do
that.
Masochistic trash talk:
“I’m goin’ down, yo.” “Do
I want a piece of you?” “Should I say
that one more time?” “Do you want me to
step outside? Huh?”
Brainworm phrases: “Savior
applause.” “Damn hammock.” “Mormon
Tableknocker Choir.”
O.J. Simpson is due to be
released from prison soon, and some people think
he’s grown really ugly. But if you ask me,
the guy will always be a ladykiller.
Alternative fact: Before
Margaret Court, all matches were played on tennis
fields.
Alternative anthem:
Oh to be/A Can-a-di-an
To live in a hoose/In Sas-katch-e-wan
And go roamin’ a-boot/Just as free as I can.
Anyhoo, it’s a plan./ Anyhoo, it’s a
plan.
The splash fight was
getting intense, but when my sister lifted the
skimmer basket full of muck and leaves and
started toward me, I surrendered. “Uh-uh,”
I said. “Now you’re playing dirty pool.”
It was the end of English
class for the day, but one of my students didn’t
rise from his chair. “Did you need to talk
to me?” I asked. “No sir, I am in this
same room next hour for Accounting.” “Well,
isn’t that lucky,” I acknowledged.
“You’ve been upgraded to business class.”
Mistaken songs:
Johnny Cash? “Well, I shot at Dan Marino/Just
to watch him die.”
The Stones? “Something…Jack Black, /he’s
got gas gas gas.”
Elton John? “Hold me close/ I’m Tony
Danza.”
Epitaph for cremated
remains: “I’ve lived my life/I’ve
earned my rest/the urn upon this shelf/is blessed.”
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