The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Comedian's Notebook IX
by M. V. Montgomery

A storm is when a cold front crashes into a warm front. And a tornado is when a weather front crashes into a store front.

“I told you, if you’re ever going to get better, it’s going to take real commitment,” the psychologist said to me. “And I told you, I’m never going back to that place again,” I replied.

Anyone who wears a t-shirt with a famous quotation is literally taking thought for his raiment.

Question: Where did Hugh Downs, Bob Clayton, Ed McMahon, and Jack Barry get sent on summer vacation? Answer: To Concentration Camp.

Not sure which of these words is truly the scariest: “massacre,” “chainsaw,” or “Texas”?

I had to shut off La La Land when the characters stepped out of their cars and started dancing on the tops and hoods. Not with today’s vehicles, can you do that.

Masochistic trash talk: “I’m goin’ down, yo.” “Do I want a piece of you?” “Should I say that one more time?” “Do you want me to step outside? Huh?”

Brainworm phrases: “Savior applause.” “Damn hammock.” “Mormon Tableknocker Choir.”

O.J. Simpson is due to be released from prison soon, and some people think he’s grown really ugly. But if you ask me, the guy will always be a ladykiller.

Alternative fact: Before Margaret Court, all matches were played on tennis fields.

Alternative anthem:
Oh to be/A Can-a-di-an
To live in a hoose/In Sas-katch-e-wan
And go roamin’ a-boot/Just as free as I can.
Anyhoo, it’s a plan./ Anyhoo, it’s a plan.

The splash fight was getting intense, but when my sister lifted the skimmer basket full of muck and leaves and started toward me, I surrendered. “Uh-uh,” I said. “Now you’re playing dirty pool.”

It was the end of English class for the day, but one of my students didn’t rise from his chair. “Did you need to talk to me?” I asked. “No sir, I am in this same room next hour for Accounting.” “Well, isn’t that lucky,” I acknowledged. “You’ve been upgraded to business class.”

Mistaken songs:
Johnny Cash? “Well, I shot at Dan Marino/Just to watch him die.”
The Stones? “Something…Jack Black, /he’s got gas gas gas.”
Elton John? “Hold me close/ I’m Tony Danza.”

Epitaph for cremated remains: “I’ve lived my life/I’ve earned my rest/the urn upon this shelf/is blessed.”